Are you sure there’s no such thing as a dumb question?

If I’m limping, please don’t ask me why. When you are young, every injury comes complete with a terrific anecdote. “I was saving a child from a house fire, and I seem to have pulled a muscle.” With such a tale to tell, you want to be asked. Later in life, the injuries still come, but with no story attached.

Question: “How did you injure your back?”

Put your hand down, buddy. Please.Credit: Getty Images

Answer: “I got out of bed this morning. I did it too quickly.” Or: “I was in the shower and tried to wash my feet.” Or: “Putting out the garbage.”

So, why do people insist on asking, and what am I meant to say? “Old age, I’m afraid. Just one of those things. Can’t complain.”

Having to issue such a boring response is worse than having the limp.

Meanwhile, my dog has also developed a limp. Between the two of us, we make quite a sight, picking our way down towards the dog park. If people have some restraint when it comes to inquiring about a person’s limp, there are no barriers when it comes to poor Clancy.

“What’s wrong with the dear thing?” they say, popping down on their haunches to stroke his fine muzzle. They look deeply into his eyes and make soft cooing noises. Sometimes they touch their head against his.

The implication is that I’m not paying proper attention to my dog’s health. Clearly, people think, there’s some easy cure for Clancy’s limp, but the owner has baulked at the $9.50 cost of the pills or the bandage.

By dropping down and speaking to him directly, they are half-expecting him to whisper back: “Help me! This guy’s a monster. Besides which, his limp is a lot worse than mine. It looks like I’m slowing him down, but it’s actually the other way around.”

Why do people ask so many questions about subjects which can never yield a good answer?

I have a few friends who don’t drink alcohol, and they report a similar Spanish inquisition each time they order a soda water. “Oh, you don’t drink. Why is that?”

Non-drinkers are always subjected to a barrage of questions.Credit: Gabriele Charotte

What do they expect the answer will be? There’s almost no answer which a person should feel obliged to give.

“I had a terrible drinking problem in my early twenties, which destroyed both my health and several marriages, and, given I found myself unable to moderate my drinking, I was forced to give it up entirely. So, yes, a soda water if you have some on hand.”

Or: “It’s my religion. It’s forbidden.”

Or: “Dad was a drinker, and I didn’t want to follow his example, as it caused most of the horrors of my terrible childhood.”

The world is full of questions that should never be asked.

Or: “I’m having cancer treatment, which, until this point, I was trying to keep largely to myself, but the oncologist says...”

Or: “I find others tedious when they drink, and I never want to be as boring as I’m guessing you will be.”

In other words, the only reasonable response to the ordering of a glass of soda water is to pose the question, “Would you like ice with that?” And if you really must probe further, it may be OK to also inquire about a slice of lemon.

The world is full of questions that should never be asked. For example: “How did you lose all that weight? Because you are so much thinner than last time!”

Possible answers: “I’m on Ozempic, but didn’t want to say.” Or: “We’re back from Africa, and I’ve got a parasite.” Or (most common of all): “I’ve been this weight for a while, but you seem to have an image of me based on some decades ago and so always remark upon how much thinner I am.”

Even worse, of course, is that common enquiry: “Exactly how many months pregnant are you?” Here’s a rule of life: never assume a woman is pregnant unless you’re there in the delivery room and the baby is crowning.

Talking about pregnancy, perhaps the worst question of all is: “So, why did you not have children?” To which the only reasonable answer is: “So, why do you ask such weirdly personal questions?”

It’s not as if there’s nothing else to talk about. The world is full of uncontroversial openers. For instance: “That’s a good-looking dog.” Or: “Wonderful morning, don’t you think?” Or: “Isn’t that Trump fellow an idiot?”

Never assume a woman is pregnant unless you are beside her while she is giving birth.Credit: iStock

Hard, in Australia at least, to have an argument about any of them.

Meanwhile, Clancy and I limp home from the dog park. “Oh, poor thing, what’s wrong?” someone says, oozing sympathy, and I realise I don’t know to whom the sympathy is directed. Clancy or me?

“Just old age”, I say, figuring that covers both of us.

Next time, though, I’m going to pause before I answer and pull out something good. Perhaps it will be the story of the house fire and how Clancy and I rescued the child, him darting in low beneath the smoke, sensibly using his short stature; me using my shoulder to knock down the door, sensibly using my brawn.

Here’s the point: if people keep asking questions, they’ll have to accept the answer I choose to give.

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