By Emily Chantiri
In 2012, Shay Leighton hit a low point. On the outside he ticked all the boxes, a successful job and engaged regularly with his work peers. Underneath he was miserable.
“I was a workaholic and talked to the same people daily. I lived for my job, but I was unhappy,” he says. Slowly, he began to realise all his conversations were about work. So he decided to stop work talk.
Shay Leighton (front right) at a Tough Guy book club meeting at Goldy’s Tavern in the inner-Melbourne suburb of Collingwood.Credit: Joe Armao
“When I stopped, I realised I hadn’t had a decent conversation in years. I’ve come to understand that men feel they have to achieve, win or be useful for a purpose. That leads to being job-focused.”
To move from work talk, Leighton started the Tough Guy book club. One hardened rule of the club was to never discuss work. This rule produced some remarkable changes.
“Typically, men start a conversation around, what do you do for work? Take that away and deeper questions surface. All of a sudden, the members had to think about what’s going on in their life?” Leighton says.
Today, he believes job definition has taken on a deeper meaning.
“I’ve seen a unique cultural shift especially with young men trying to find fulfilment through their jobs. Whether that’s correct or not, it’s not for me to judge. But if someone asked who are you without your work, how do you answer?”
It’s confronting for men to think of themselves beyond a list of responsibilities – as a manager, dad or husband.
“When labels are taken away, inspiring conversations start to form,” Leighton says “Conversations turn to hobbies, books, other issues and a focus on life, not what someone does for money. This removes the hierarchy and opens discussions no matter what age.”
There are now 145 Tough Guy book clubs in Australia and seven other countries.
Identity crisis
Life coach Jaemin Frazer, founder of the Insecurity Project, has seen work identity issues rise among Gen X and Gen Y members due to significant job insecurities.
“Currently, job security is at an all-time low. We’re seeing more people suffering from an identity crisis through the loss of stable jobs than ever before,” Frazer says.
“If your identity is attached to your role and it’s taken away, you’ll take it personally and unavoidably have a crisis of identity. When you’re unable to demonstrate your value and worth as a human being through your work, then your worst fear is exposed – that perhaps you’ll be seen as worthless,” he says.
Executive coach Dan Auerbach
Cultural conditioning
Executive coach and psychotherapist Dan Auerbach says that for many people, identity and self-worth are deeply tied to achievement. Work becomes the primary stage where they feel valued.
“This isn’t just about ego. It’s often a mix of early conditioning, cultural cues and how we’re wired to seek purpose and status through contribution and performance.”
When a sense of self is fused with a role, a job loss can feel like an identity crisis. The psychological impact often goes far beyond practical concerns, but can trigger a form of grief, where the person mourns not just their position, but their understanding of who they are and how they can contribute.
The best way to healthily disengage, Auerbach says, is to build a “portfolio of identity”. Diversify your sources of meaning and self-worth beyond your business card.
“That deeper self-awareness builds resilience and confidence that stays beyond the time in the corner office.”
But reinvention can be disheartening.
“If you’re struggling with a job loss, ask yourself: Where am I at my best? What sorts of activities am I most drawn to? Where can I put those skills to best use?” Auerbach says.
“Consider other ways you can contribute. Mentoring, training others, becoming an adviser or consultant, can all be great ways to keep contributing.”
Tips to help
Psychologist Tracey McGrath has more than 30 years’ experience addressing workplace behaviour. She offers the following tips:
- Expand your concept of what is fulfilling – coach a sports team, volunteer, learn something new for 10 minutes a day, watch inspiring Ted Talks on YouTube, or start a hobby.
- Practise setting boundaries – set clear start and finish times, limit after-hours emails and resist checking work updates during personal time.
- Use language consciously – don’t define yourself by what you do for work. Many people conflate their value with their roles, titles, to-do lists. Commit one minute daily to thinking about what you might like and note it down. This helps to find what you want.
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