‘Hands tied behind their backs’: Harsh truth Lions fans need to confront about the Wallabies
If all Australia cared about was rugby, the Wallabies would be unstoppable. Simon McLoughlin reveals why shouty Lions fans should thank their stars they’re not living in an alternate universe.
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One Test in and I’ve already had enough. While the screaming hordes of fans from the grim north party on our shores – all pretending they don’t actually hate each other – we have to nod along sweetly with not one but two hands tied behind our backs.
Australia sent out the best we could muster at Suncorp Stadium last Saturday night and were outmuscled by the combined might of England, Ireland, Scotland, (no, not you Wales), Australia and New Zealand (yes, you know who I mean). If Burkina Faso was suddenly producing Test-level centres they’d be offered a British passport.
Meanwhile, the shouty types in expensive red jerseys emblazoned with the name of some insurance company we’ve never heard of sang. The UK reporters covering the tour sneered. Some, you suspect, even laughed. But they don’t know the truth. If rugby was as high on our list as it is for them, they wouldn’t stand a chance.
Australia was the first nation to win multiple World Cups but that seems a long time ago as rugby union variously drifts between our third and fourth winter sport. If the National Basketball League was played in winter, bump it down another notch. When it comes to sport, we’re spread thinner than the last scrape of vegemite on the middle slice of sour dough. And rugby gets the crumbs. When those crumbs turn into superstars, well, they tend to get pinched — by rival codes or by rival overseas competitions.
We love sport so much we invented our own. But those devoted to the indigenous code aren’t exactly the caring and sharing kind. Ask anyone south of the Murray or west of Wagga Wagga what “rugby” is and they may ask about the Melbourne Storm or the Adelaide Rams. Is there a new team in Perth? Nah, they’ve already got one. The Forcers, or something. If Marvel villain Thanos clicked his fingers and vanished rugby out of existence, AFL fans would not even notice. And there’s a bloke at Rugby League Central salivating at that thought right now.
Rugby cops a raw deal. On talent, on cash, on attention and on public affection.
All to the Wallabies’ detriment.
So what if the original code breaker Dally Messenger never converted to rugby league? What if Tom Wills – the bloke who went to The Rugby School in the UK before going on to create Australian rules football – stuck to what he knew? Well, Australia would be the greatest rugby nation on earth.
The guy who scratches out the winner on the Webb Ellis Cup would get bored engraving the same name over and over again.
And here’s the proof – an All-Australian Wallabies team picked from everyone we have to offer. A glorious alternative universe where Lions fans become lambs.
THE ALL-AUSTRALIAN WALLABIES
FULLBACK: Marcus Bontempelli
The AFL’s best combination of speed, skill, height, toughness and competitiveness. An aerial weapon few in the rugby world could match and crafty enough off the boot to create his own tries. Kicking for touch – yeah, not a problem.
WINGER: Hamiso Tabuai-Fidow
Possibly the quickest footballer in Australia. Scores tries for fun and strong enough to handle the bigger backs from the northern hemisphere. It’s possible rugby union is what he should’ve been playing all along so perfect would he be for the wider open spaces off a lineout or scrum.
WINGER: Max Jorgensen
Proved in the first Test he has the speed, skill and ingenuity to hold his place in the team against a legion of contenders. Scored a try and could’ve had more. Sums up the all-round skills of a rugby winger perfectly.
CENTRE: Joseph Aukuso-Suaalii
Already a Wallaby after being poached from rugby league on a $5 million deal. His skill in the air, extraordinarily tough running and crunching defence keep him in this team no matter what the competition.
CENTRE: Stephen Crichton
Rugby league’s best centre with the best fend on the planet. A huge body who could cut down the giants of world rugby and run them off their feet with the ball.
FLYHALF: Nathan Cleary
Rugby league’s best halfback is the perfect rugby union five-eighth. A tactical kicking game from heaven and a running game better than any No.10 we’d have seen since Mark Ella.
HALFBACK: Harry Grant
A rugby league hooker has the same job as a rugby union halfback – follow the attack, get the next phase going with a pinpoint pass, sniff out a tired defender and tackle players twice your size all game. Yep, that’s Harry.
NO. 8: Payne Haas
If pedestrian league player Wycliff Palu could manage 50 Tests at the back of the Wallabies scrum, imagine what Payne Haas could do? Haas is fast becoming the best prop rugby league has ever seen but his near-unstoppable runs into the teeth of the defence also make him the perfect No.8 in rugby.
OPENSIDE FLANKER: Patrick Dangerfield
The team’s most fearless player with a huge engine and no thought for self-preservation. Geelong’s head-over-the-ball superman Dangerfield gets the nod. Great hands and great feet bring a new dimension to the position.
BLINDSIDE FLANKER: Rob Valetini
Australia’s most intimidating attacking weapon. Listed at 193cm but his hair makes his closer to the 200-mark. The Wallabies were pushed around by the beefy Lions in the first Test. Valetini should change that.
SECOND ROW: Luke Jackson
Heaps of height, plenty tough and with an iron group on any ball in the air, Fremantle’s 2m ruckman Luke Jackson is the athletic phenom who could transform into a lineout weapon. A few more kilos wouldn’t hurt but his second-row partner can help in that department.
SECOND ROW: Jordan Mailata
When the 166kg, 203cm behemoth packs down in the second row we can be sure that side of the scrum won’t ever take a backward step. The Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle who used to play rugby league is one of the world’s rarest specimens – a true giant with great mobility. Possibly unstoppable with the ball in hand and might accidentally end the career of any unfortunate back who dares come close enough. Too tall to be a rugby prop and really doesn’t need to jump much in a lineout.
STARTING FRONT ROW: Angus Bell, Matt Faessler and Allan Alaalatoa
Such a specialised area that the current Wallabies get the nod. But we’ve got them some great help off the reserves bench. Australia’s scrum was solid in the first Test so we know this trio can do the job.
RESERVES
16 Mitch Barnett
NSW’s Origin hardman who is the Wallabies’ back-up hooker. A tough ball runner, an ever tougher runner and the type of hard head who would relish the scrum battle.
17 Royce Hunt
More of a fleshy square than a regular human-shaped person. That’s a prop.
18 Josh Papalii
Why has the world been deprived of Papalii in the front row of a rugby scrum. Also the perfect pick and drive machine off the back of a lineout.
19 Daniel Faalele
Um, yes he is actually bigger than Mailata. The 168kg Baltimore Ravens guard used to play rugby as a kid when he was still larger than most grown men. When Mailata runs out of gas, Faalele can take over. Makes Will Skelton look small.
20 Tino Fa’asuamaleaui
Blindsides are often unhinged maniacs, willing to start a fight or end one. An intimidating type usually with some height and plenty of ticker. Tino. Say no more.
21 Cameron Munster
Queensland Origin’s resident chaos agent. What could he do in a Wallabies jersey? It would be fun to find out. Backs up at halfback and five-eighth.
22 Patrick Cripps
The dual Brownlow Medallist can trade in his unfulfilling life at perennial underachievers Carlton for a life serving his nation. At 195cm, there’s no high ball he won’t be able to handle and he’d love the physical stuff when some of the big fellas head in his direction.
23 Christian Petracca
The Melbourne Demons superstar is like a Swiss Army knife. A huge engine with height and strength. Basically the same size as current openside flanker Fraser McReight but with the skills of a centre.
Originally published as ‘Hands tied behind their backs’: Harsh truth Lions fans need to confront about the Wallabies
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