Kerry Parnell: The worst ever Christmas gifts for kids

In case you are wondering what to buy the littlest ones in your family, here’s a handy guide to the worst gifts you can give a child, courtesy of (long-suffering) parent Kerry Parnell.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year – until your kid unwraps a novelty singing llama.

In case you are wondering what to buy the littlest ones in your family, here’s a handy guide to the worst gifts you can give a child, from parents. Just send a voucher.

1. Bead sets

“Oh lovely, a bead kit,” said no parent in the world ever. Those 4567 minuscule bits of brightly-coloured plastic will get used in the manner they were intended once, then be thrown over the floor every subsequent time.

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These are the number one re-gifted presents in the world – it took me five years to work that out, after my daughter received 32 separate boxes of them for her birthday. And if you want to upgrade to Beelzebub Bead Level, go for hair beads, that the child threads into their locks using a medieval torture instrument, resulting in a trip to the hairdresser to shear off.

Oh lawd, please don’t let it be a bead set.

2. Paint

From paint-your-own Christmas decorations/money boxes/figurines to finger-painting packs and face paint, watch the parent’s face closely as their child unwraps these and they thank you effusively in a too-high voice. Yeah, that kit is never getting used, except by that rare breed of arty parents who don’t mind their dining table being Jackson Pollocked. I met one once.

3. Novelty singing items

Our grandma has a special love for a singing and dancing chicken – she has a whole collection of novelty soft toys that burst into a comedy routine when you press their paw. It’s side-cracking fun folks, except when she gives the kids one to take home. We now own a dog in a Santa hat that sings White Christmas. Over and over again. This ban extends to any battery-operated singing item with a hair-trigger reflex, which will torment your dreams when it spontaneously goes off at 5am.

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And before you suggest turning it off, the most perfidious ones DON’T HAVE OFF BUTTONS and only stop when the song finishes and/or you have been sectioned, whichever is soonest.

4. Slime

What is it with kids and slime?

Special mention goes to pots of luminous green slime – or even better, make-your-own slime sets – that children adore and parents abhor, because a) letting your child play with toxic waste isn’t in the Good Mum Guide, and b) it inevitably gets ground into all your soft furnishings.

5. Weapons

A Nerf gun, great! A mega-blaster water pistol, wonderful! An archery set, awesome and a sword, smashing! Call me crazy, but until we are in a real-life Walking Dead situation, no child needs to learn how to point a crossbow at their sibling’s head.

You can keep the light sabres.

6. Giant teddies

You know those oversized teddies you always wanted when you were a child? Perversely, kids don’t actually play with them, probably because they can’t pick them up.

7. Musical instruments

A quick poll of parents revealed the recorder as the unanimous most-hated gift, closely followed by a whistle and a harmonica. Now, who are we to curtail the musical futures of our offspring, but the ear-splitting sound of a recorder being blasted repetitively by an under 10 can only be outdone by a kid on a drum kit. Yes, people really do give children drums: Just ask their neighbours. Five doors down.

Originally published as Kerry Parnell: The worst ever Christmas gifts for kids