Clause out: Santa unloads on our cost-of-living crisis Christmas
The elves have unionised and we’re fast approaching a coal-fuelled festive season, The Advertiser’s Tom Bowden has learned in an exclusive interview with the man at the top.
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If I mention Christmas, chances are the first image you’ll conjure up is that of a merry old man in a red suit spreading festive cheer.
Well, as I would find out as we caught up for an exclusive chat this week, that iconic public image has faded, with Santa Claus just a shell of his former self as cost of living pressures reach the North Pole.
In this candid discussion, Father Christmas opens up about how he really feels about Christmas, what he’s hoping for this festive season and how tightening the purse strings will impact what we find under our trees this Christmas.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SANTA CLAUS
Tom Bowden: Hi Santa! What’s that smell? Have you been drinking?
Santa Claus: How about you come back in December when Christmas is meant to start? Just because you schedule the pageant for November doesn’t mean I have to care about you yet. Just tell me what you want and get the heck off of my knee!
How has the cost of living crisis affected your operations at the North Pole?
I’m not gonna lie, it’s hit hard. Another interest rate rise means my mortgage repayments have blown right out. Fuel prices are up too, which sucks, because I have to circumnavigate the entire world in one night and the reindeer only drink premium unleaded. If I don’t time the fuel cycle just right it cripples me. And the supermarket fuel dockets do stuff all …
The supply chain issues have been a nightmare, and then there are the energy prices. If I can be political for a moment – here’s an inconvenient truth for all you greenie flogs trying to save the planet – solar is not the answer.
Case in point – we had our entire North Pole manufacturing and warehouse operations converted to solar a while back when the feed-in tariff wasn’t poor like it is now. What a pain that has turned out to be. We haven’t had sunlight since early October! Won’t see a thing again until early March! And the darkest day of the year – the Winter Solstice on December 21? Yeah, super handy!
It’s made me realise coal really is the only way to go. Were it not for the coal-fired power station supplying our factory, nobody would be getting squat this year. So if you get coal in your stocking, that’s not me handing it out as a punishment – I’m trying to show you it’s the way of the future.
At the end of the day, all of this affects my bottom line. And it means everyone is going to have to lower their expectations this year. I think if you look deep into your soul you’ll see you actually deserve very little.
Have you had to lay off elves – or have they threatened industrial action demanding payrises at or above inflation?
Don’t even get me started on the elves. See the thing about elves that most people don’t know is, they’re really not that bright. Really, they’re not. They kept getting crushed in the machinery and then we have to down tools. They’re not reliable, but they are cheaper than humans. Well, they were. I’d been paying them well below industry minimum wage requirements for years because they’re too stupid and optimistic to realise they were being dudded. But then last year they started asking questions like “Is $6 sufficient compensation for 12 months of gruelling, dangerous and quite specialised work?” and before I knew it they’d unionised!
Long story short, my overheads are through the roof. There have been lay-offs – a few thousand elves on the shelf in fact – and we’re cutting costs where we can, which hasn’t been easy because there are still a lot of adults that expect a present from Santa, which is a bloomin’ joke. So yeah, we’ve had to use cheaper plastic in the toys, and all electronics now have a planned obsolescence of three years instead of seven. For anyone who asked for a car, it will feature the recalled software from the VW emissions scandal from a few years back, and we’ve had to use melamine to bulk out the baby formula again. You know, to cater for those that like to give “thoughtful, practical gifts”.
Plus, the puppy farms I use keep getting busted, so that pet you’ve been waiting for – well, don’t get your hopes up …
I could always just put everyone on the naughty list and take the year off …
You’re famously a rotund chap, but are Mr and Mrs Claus having to do some belt-tightening at home too?
And there it is – the fat shaming. Let me put it this way. There are currently around 2 billion children in the world. 2 billion. That’s 2 billion little legends all putting out milk and cookies for me. And I have to eat them. I don’t want to, but if I didn’t that kills the magic for these little blighters. It doesn’t help that I’ve recently been diagnosed with a dairy and gluten intolerance and have been told by my doctor to avoid these foods. But what is my alternative? They put out tasteless gluten-free options and an almond milk? No thanks. I’d rather have the real things and then just Jackson Pollock the porcelain for the next 36 hours. I’m not fat, I’m just bloated as heck.
The cost of living crisis sadly may be financially crippling enough that nobody can afford to put them out this year, anyway. Honestly, the stress of this whole situation has given me a stomach ulcer. You want to help me? Leave me out a Mylanta.
How is all this going to affect what children find under the tree this year?
I would recommend parents and caregivers take full advantage of the upcoming Black Friday deals because I really can’t make any promises this year. I’ll do my best, but when was the last time anyone ever gave me a present? You can’t remember, can you. It’s because you haven’t. Textbook parasitic relationship here …
You’re not the jolly chap I expected you to be. Everything alright at home?
See that’s the thing. Everyone expects me to be happy and merry and ho-ho-ho-ing it up, but let me ask you this – if you had to work not just Christmas, but every single Christmas, how jolly do you think you’d be? Every single Christmas! Not to mention you have to attend every lame Christmas pageant and hang about in some of the worst places in the world – shopping centres – at the worst time of the year. And now you want to drag that out by an extra few weeks in your low energy state? And this is after implementing a Christmas in July as well for some reason. I’m not happy! Oh, and some kid peed on me this morning at the Magic Cave. Wasn’t even sitting on my lap at the time. Unbelievable …
I know you’re always the one asking, but what would you like for Christmas this year?
I think we should get rid of Christmas altogether. I’ve never really liked it to be honest. Merry Christmas? Bah humbug!
Thanks for your time, Santa.
Oh you cannot be serious! You did not just pee on me!
More Christmas reading:
‘It looks povo’: Adelaide’s Christmas decorations slammed
‘Caged misery’: Aussies fire up over Adelaide’s Chrissy decorations
How early is too early to put up your Christmas tree?
Did you enjoy the Christmas Pageant? You can thank this man
Originally published as Clause out: Santa unloads on our cost-of-living crisis Christmas
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