Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

A distraught wife is seeking guidance after learning her husband has visited a brothel 20 times in the last 12 months, adding that he blames her for his extramarital activities.

A woman says her husband blames her for his interest in visiting brothels. Picture: Stock

A distraught wife is seeking guidance after learning her husband has visited a brothel more than a dozen times in the last 12 months, adding that he blames her for his extramarital activities.

Melissa Ferrari weighs in.

Scroll down to send in your questions.

DEAR MELISSA

My husband visited a brothel 20 times in 12 months and said it was my fault. What should I do? I feel betrayed and cheated.

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

You should feel betrayed, because you have been betrayed and to make matters worse your husband is blaming you for his own choices and actions – actions that are not only difficult to deal with emotionally but also a potential threat to your health.

While sex workers are generally good with using protection, mistakes can happen, so make sure you get yourself checked out for STDs by a medical professional with the appropriate tests – your husband should do this as well.

What your husband has done is leave you in the dark with his actions and once exposed he has then blamed you – some may even say he has ‘gaslit’ you to cover for his poor behaviour and decisions.

There are relationships where people do have agreements where they can have sexual relationships outside of the marriage – including visiting brothels – for them to work what is important is that these are true agreements fair for both, not something to which one partner has been coerced into.

The betrayal you are facing can be extremely difficult to deal with and what you need to do is look after yourself – so get some professional one-on-one counselling and surround yourself with those who care and love you.

When you are ready to deal with the actions of your husband, and you decide to try and work through this together, then you need to have a discussion with him and ask whether he is interested in a “collaborative and fair relationship”.

As part of that discussion, you need to discover whether he is interested in the same things as you and wants to come to agreements with you, on things such as not going to brothels, or relationships outside of your marriage.

From there, if you have not already decided to, you will know whether to make the decision to leave the relationship or work on trying to repair the damage that has been done. If it is the latter do so with help from a clinically registered qualified relationship counsellor.

Melissa answers questions submitted by readers of The Courier-Mail. Picture: File photo

DEAR MELISSA

My husband been lying about going out for work lunches. I’ve had jealously issues in the past, but I’m working on them. He says it was to spare my worry (there’s a lot happening for me at the moment). I don’t think he’s actually cheated, but the lies are the issue. He seems to be trying to make amends, but unlike in the past, I don’t feel much. I’m crying a lot, but the marriage feels over. We have kids and financially, divorce would not be great. Will my feelings change?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

It sounds as though you have issues around agreements in your relationship, where someone within the relationship is not honouring your agreements. When people enter into relationships, they can forget that they are now part of a two-person system, which clinician, researcher, and teacher Dr. Stan Tatkin reflects in the “Couple Bubble” found in his book ‘Wired For Love’. When a partner is not operating in a two-person system they can tend to act as an individual within the relationship; when they want to do something, they do it, sometimes through deceit or omission.

Even with agreements in place around checking in or a promise to return home by a certain time, they become so involved in having a “good time” that they don’t check in or come home as agreed. When that leads to conflict, they often blame their partner, telling them that “they are the one with the problem” or that they were “trying to spare your feelings or protect you.” Such actions are very unhealthy for a relationship and, if repeated, can erode its integrity, leading to feelings of resentment, sadness, and isolation for their partner, who may then question the relationship — which is what you are experiencing.

It’s time for a direct conversation with your partner to determine if he is willing to invest in the relationship. You need to enter into agreements that are collaborative and fair — such as not attending work lunches without your knowledge, or doing so only within agreed boundaries that he will honour.

He needs to decide if he is “in” the relationship, with both of you working together to build your “Couple Bubble” as strong as you can, or if he still wants to do what he wants, when he wants to do it. If it is the latter, then you would be well within your rights to ask whether he would prefer to be on his own, rather than in a relationship.

These are always difficult issues to navigate. People can be inherently selfish; it’s human nature. This is why relationships can be so tough. You may benefit from seeking help from a clinically registered qualified relationship counsellor with whom you are both comfortable, to discuss where your relationship is and how it can move forward healthily with you both working together.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now