Wooley: Trump might be wrong climate change but perhaps not so wrong about the way we tackle it
Has Australia fallen victim to a ‘green scam’ that will ruin our country? President Trump certainly thinks so, Charles Wooley writes.
In this newspaper, columnists don’t conspire, though some conservative keyboard warriors might see it that way when they fulminate at the generally progressive liberal views of Boyer, Barns and Wood et al.
But hopefully not this weekend at the gentle and reasonable, conservative wanderings of Wooley.
I try, mostly in vain, to emulate the great satirist Swift (not Taylor kiddies but Jonathan) whose classic Gulliver’s Travels was actually a piss-take of the 18th century church and state, entertainingly disguised as the adventures of a castaway mariner.
When two countries in the story, Lilliput and Blefuscu, declared war over which end of an egg to open (‘Big-Endians vs. Little-Endians’) that was actually Swift’s take-down of the madness of the many religious wars in old Europe. For centuries bloody conflicts were fought over such holy obscurantism as the Eucharist and whether the wafer actually turned into the literal flesh of Jesus or whether it was just a ritualistic commemoration.
Back in even more dangerous times for critical thinking than now, Swift disguised his apostasy so well that most people thought Gulliver’s Travels was just an entertaining travel tale.
So, in the spirit of Swift, who in 1713 became the Dean of St Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin, in this week’s sermon I come to praise Caesar and not to bury him.
I was reminded of Big-Endians vs Little-Endians this week when I couldn’t completely fault Donald Trump’s United Nations speech and his description of climate change as being: “The greatest con job ever perpetrated on the world, in my opinion.”
He might be wrong about the science of climate change but then perhaps not so wrong about the way we tackle it.
Are we making a mess of the way we scramble those eggs?
Decisively this President doesn’t allow science to obfuscate the argument. He is clear that his opinion is the only opinion. Despite that, in his speech to the UN he appeared to hit some large nails not quite on the head.
“All of these predictions made by the United Nations and many others, often for bad reasons … made by stupid people … have cost their countries fortunes and given those same countries no chance of success. If you don’t get away from this green scam, your country is going to fail.”
But here’s the scoop. After that historic speech this column swiftly received a copy of what President Trump didn’t get to say because his teleprompter had been sabotaged by radical climate changers.
This is the script of Donald Trump’s so far unpublished remarks directed at the Australian delegation in the UN:
“Your country Australia, and we love your country, and I’ve watched The Sound of Music a hundred times and Hugh Jackman is great as Baron von Trapp and that’s why I called my youngest son Barron, but you Austrians are making a terrible mistake. Terrible. You are the second biggest coal exporter in the world, but your people are going broke sending hundreds of millions of tonnes of coal to countries like China who burn it to produce cheap power while your power prices rise so horribly year on year because you won’t burn it at home.
“I hear your people can’t afford to keep the lights on. NASA tells me at night from space your country now looks like it’s in a blackout.
“I hear that’s how bad it’s gotten and I hear it’s CO2 you’re worried about. I like CO2 because it makes things grow, it’s a wonderful gas, it’s my favourite gas. But you know just because you burn your coal in China doesn’t mean that all the lovely, wonderful gas won’t make it back home to grow all your fantastic Austrian wheat which we might have to put a tariff on.
“But apart from wonderful CO2 the only thing you get back from exporting coal are the millions of solar panels and windmills the Chinese are selling you to cover your lovely countryside.
“They made them from all the beautiful coal that you sold at a giveaway price. And then you buy back as merchandise at top dollar. Stupid.
“So, when I meet him in the White House I’m gonna tell your Prime Minister, Tone, you gotta make Austria great again by burning your coal at home. They tell me you’ve never had a job in the real world, well listen up to me because I’m in property and bitcoin and golf courses and I’m the richest man ever to be President. I’m a smart cookie.
“But one of your country’s not very good reporters, he’s not smart, he’s the worst ever and he said I’m wrong to make money.
“There’s nothing wrong with being rich Tone. I hear you’re getting into property too and that’s a good start but you really gotta talk to your Austrian Broadcasting Committee about getting rid of that guy because he’s bad for business.
“You know sometimes it looks a lot as if you guys aren’t trying hard enough and we love you Austrians and all of your actors, but sometimes I worry how you’re going to pay for the submarines we are giving you. I gotta say that right now it looks as a nation you can make apple strudel and great movies but you don’t want to make money.
“But I’m sure we will work it out later in the month when the Prime Minister joins me to sing ‘Do-Re-Mi’ in the Oval Office.
“I hope he learns the words.”
Charles Wooley is a Tasmanian-based journalist
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