‘I screech at Kings and swear at cops’: When Lidia rings Centrelink

This is what happens when Lidia Thorpe phones Centrelink. See the transcript here, written by Patrick Carlyon for quality assurance and solely opinion purposes.

Hello, this is Centrelink. You’re speaking with Jasmine. How can I help you today?

Hi, I want a new job, please.

Well you’ve called the right place. Can I grab your name?

What the f*** do you want my name for?

To call it up in the system.

The system? The system is broken, has been for 240 years.

Um, OK. I agree that it can be a bit clunky, especially in peak periods, but it’s not as bad as all that.

You don’t understand, do you? You stole my land. You need to Pay The Rent.

Australian Senator Lidia Thorpe staged a protest as King Charles and Queen Camilla attended parliament on Monday. Picture: Reuters

Lidia Thorpe yelled out at King Charles after he concluded a speech. Picture: Getty Images

Pardon? You want me to pay your rent? I’m afraid Centrelink doesn’t provide that service.

You sound like King Charles. You are in receipt of stolen goods, which makes you complicit in theft.

Sorry, I don’t really know what you mean. Maybe we should start over. I’m just here to help you get a new job. So who am I speaking to?

Lidia. Lidia Thorpe.

Hi Lidia, it’s so nice to be talking to you today. What was your most recent job, Lidia?

Well, I still have it, for now at least. I screech at Kings and swear at cops. Once, I lay down in front of a Mardi Gras float. I take national issues and make them all about me. It’s my superpower.

Oh, so you’re a professional activist?

Kind of. I just take it one day at a time in the colony – which can get f***ed, by the way.

Yes, OK. Can I suggest you tone down the language for the job interviews?

I will not be silent.

Thorpe was escorted out of parliament by security. Picture: NewsWire

Goodo. What are your qualifications?

Try nine generations of oppression. To those who want me to be silent about these issues, stop and take a look at yourselves ….

Um, I’ll stop you there. Can you describe your strengths?

Well, I don’t get hung up on accuracy or fairness. I lead causes, sometimes on behalf of people who don’t want me to lead their causes. So, yeah, I don’t give a f*** what people think of me. Sorry, what I mean to say is I don’t care what about nine in 10 people think.

And your weaknesses?

None that have been brought to my attention.

So why are you leaving your current role?

Well, the perks are pretty good. But I’m being bullied by my colleagues. They’re running a campaign to try and get me sacked. They keep rehashing my ancient history, such as my tirade at strip club patrons at 3am, which was like soooo last year. Every day, they try to shame me and my people by calling me a hypocrite and a grand stander.

Oh, you’re one of those Greens politicians then?

Been there, done that.

Are you a team player?

Always. Except when the rest of the team disagrees with me.

What motivates you?

Sovereignty. Genocide. And media attention.

Thorpe’s protest sparked worldwide headlines. Picture: Getty Images

How do you deal with challenges?

Sometimes, when the TV cameras are rolling, I go limp all over when the police officers try to drag me away.

What is your ideal role?

Look, I don’t want to resign, and I probably won’t. I’m just sussing out the alternatives. What have you got with a base pay of $200,000+?

Hmm. Let me check the computer. So it appears that there’s nothing in that pay range right now. But there are a number of other opportunities.

Opportunity? What do you people know about opportunities?

Look here’s one. How about school librarian? Reading classes and the teaching of growing minds.

Can I take the kids to street protests?

No.

Then no.

OK. Hostage negotiator?

I don’t take hostages. No.

Air traffic controller?

No.

Family mediation counsellor?

No.

Radio shock jock?

Maybe. What does that involve?

Well, according to the ad, first you must identify the red button issues of the day. Then you go on air and fan the fears of your listeners, while asserting their prejudices, by declaring that our very way of life is doomed by Tuesday, or Wednesday at the latest, unless the numbskull leaders of the day heed your message at once. The ad says the successful candidate will be “passionate, without self-doubt, and unafraid of causing deep offence and getting it wrong”.

Great. When do I start?

Originally published as ‘I screech at Kings and swear at cops’: When Lidia rings Centrelink