‘They want us regulated’: How teacher choreographed Albo’s perfect moment
Amid a final campaign blitz, Albo’s entrance to the riskiest of places was saved by a surprise secret weapon. James Weir witnesses the glory.
Analysis
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Anthony Albanese is swept up in a chaotic cross-country blitz, zoning in on the youth with thirst traps, iced coffees, and an appearance at a suburban school where he stumbled across his biggest secret weapon: an enthusiastic yet stern teacher who had all the theatrics of Mr G.
As the clock ticks down to the weekend’s election, the Prime Minister began his five-states-in-three-days mission at Perth’s Winthrop Primary School on Thursday – a risky choice if you think back to the 2022 campaign where he thought it’d be a great idea to visit his alma mater St Mary’s Cathedral College and was promptly booed by teen boys in rumpled uniforms who probably had nothing but a can of Red Bull for breakfast.
This time, it was different – thanks to deputy principal Simon Dufall. Or … Mr D.
“They want us to be excited – but regulated,” he sternly informed the almost 250 students as they sat on the concrete floor of the assembly shed.
“A bit clappy and cheery – but REGULATED.”
He leaned forward and, without blinking, broke down the demand into a syllabic warning.
“REG-U-LATE-ED.”
Aware of the camera crews that were setting up nearby, Mr D was not going to be humiliated by a bunch of little twerps on national television. Forget about the school musical – THIS was the biggest event of the year.
“I know I can trust 99 per cent of you,” he snipped. “We want excitement and cheers and clapping – but we know some of you can get silly when that happens.”
He then led a demonstration.
“Clap. Cheer. … And STOP,” he instructed.
The children performed as directed.
The rehearsal continued.
“Clap. Cheer. … STOP.”
Mr D then decided to warm everyone up by leading the kids in a group sing-a-long for a musical number titled Circle of Friends. The lyrics were beamed up on the overhead projector.
Moments before Mr Albanese pulled up in his BMW, Mr D asked a final question: what’s the Prime Minister’s name?
The kids looked at each other. Murmurs echoed around the shed.
One kid piped up.
“ … Trump?”
This is not the kind of mistake a director wants to see happening in the final dress rehearsal but Mr D knew the show had to go on.
He led the children out onto a paved area under sweeping trees for a run-through. Mr D, pretending to be the prime minister, walked through the crowd of children who were instructed to cheer.
“If you’re on the side, do you think you’re going to get a high-five? No,” Mr D told the kids at the back.
Then it was showtime.
Albo rounded the corner with his entourage in tow – fiancee Jodie Haydon, West Australian premier Roger Cook and Member for Tangney Sam Lim.
The kids – drawing on their impeccable theatre training from the venerable Mr D – nailed the performance.
Albo trotted into the crush of screaming children, doling out high-fives.
At this critical point in the campaign, it was the perfect photo opportunity the PM and his team were hoping for.
Media outlets are always dying to brand a leader’s life partner as a “secret weapon”. But not today. Sorry, Jodes – you’ve been bumped for Mr D.
Only Mr D could orchestrate such a nuanced performance that walked the delicate line of restrained excitement.
“All right everybody, that was super fabulous respectful behaviour!” Mr D told the kids afterwards as they assembled back in the shed to listen to the Prime Minister.
“Good morning, boys and girls!” Albo yelled into the mic.
The kids responded in a collective singsong chorus: “Good morning Mr Al-ba-mee-bee.”
It’s the one thing they didn’t rehearse: how to pronounce the guy’s name.
Too much regulation and not enough pronunciation.
Albo then decided to do some crowd work – calling out kids to ask questions and make small talk.
Just minutes later, fronting media for a press conference, he was asked whether it was “appropriate” that he was campaigning to kids.
”You bet!” he replied. “I think this election is about young Australians.”
His commitment to the youth vote is blindingly clear. After the school visit, he jetted over to Adelaide to visit a TAFE, where he met apprentices and indulged in a “tradies brekky” of a carton of iced coffee – no doubt hoping the much-photographed moment would be a hit with folks on the internet.
And speaking of young Aussies, memes and levels of appropriateness, the PM’s social media team posted yet another thirst trap of their boss this week. Jumping aboard an online trend, an Instagram reel was published that featured smouldering sepia-toned photos of a young Mr Albanese, set to the 2001 Janet Jackson song “Someone To Call My Lover”.
“Someone To Call My PM,” the post joked.
It seems the Labor interns have locked their superiors out of the Labor Instagram account and are refusing to share the new password.
But back to the primary school in Perth. During the press conference, Albo managed to maintain the same laid-back and in-control persona that carried him through Wednesday’s address at the National Press Club. He wasn’t busting a sweat.
Until someone asked a question about Labor MP Jerome Laxale and homophobic comments made by his father at a pre-poll booth.
“People’s families should be left out of it,” Albo said, in what would become a go-to refrain when pressed further.
Later, the question came up again. And this time, Albo, who was asked if he condemned the comments, snapped.
“It’s beneath you to ask whether I support homophobic comments, because of course I don’t,” he hit back.
“Frankly, it’s offensive you’re even suggesting it.”
Whoa! Calm down, Mr Al-ba-mee-bee! Sounds like someone needs to reg-u-late.
Facebook: @hellojamsweir
Originally published as ‘They want us regulated’: How teacher choreographed Albo’s perfect moment
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