Sam Armytage: ‘I’m sure he was a dud in bed’

Sunrise co-host Samantha Armytage ventures a theory on the villains in various classic fairytales — and the results are unexpected.

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Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, children were taught life lessons and morality via fairytales; stories of magic, dizzy blondes waiting to be saved by a bloke and the most vital of the teaching tools: the villain.

Nowadays, the Kardashians and Fortnite help shape this education, but villains still rule the world (literally) and in this era of rehabilitation, I wonder if, for all these centuries, they have been misunderstood?

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I admit, Peter Pan was a bit of a creep and Cruella de Vil is beyond defending, but with Wicked and Angelina’s post-modernist Maleficent, it appears the time has come to tell the villain’s version of the story.

Because, no matter how flat a pancake is, there are always two sides.

Some villains, like Cruella de Vil, ARE beyond defending.

Did Goldilocks taunt the bears? Plus, we all have a fussy-fooded friend. Annoying.

It’s possible Cinderella’s “wicked” stepmother was just an overworked single mum. (And if you’ve ever watched an episode of Dance Moms, you’ll agree she was quite mild in comparison.)

Maybe Cinders was passive-aggressive behind the scenes, and therefore the stepsisters were actually long-suffering.

If Hello! magazine and visiting the Slip Inn during the Sydney Olympics have taught me anything, it’s that women competing for a prince’s attention can be more aggressive than a pack of wolves.

Speaking of wolves, Little Red Riding Hood. I mean, honestly. How stupid was she that she couldn’t see through those lame drag outfits he donned?

Cinderella might have been a total diva behind the scenes, which is why her stepsisters were so wicked to her.

Why wouldn’t Maleficent be seething when she was the only one not invited to Sleeping Beauty’s christening? And she was a long-term thinker. She waited 16 years for her revenge. Admittedly, she should’ve just been happy that, as a single woman, she didn’t have to buy yet another present for her married friends.

The Evil Queen was portrayed as a vindictive antagonist versus Snow White. But her greatest crimes were basically envy and narcissism. (Instagram, anyone?)

The “Evil Queen” just liked looking at herself in a mirror — is that a crime?

Hans and Anna from Frozen.

Let’s get some insight into The Lion King’s Pride Lands. That great Disney villain Scar is Mufasa’s precious, tanty-throwing brother who gets pushed out of line for the throne when his nephew Simba is born.

It’s like something out of Hamlet, or similar to Prince Andrew’s reaction to Charles when William came along.

I believe the most maligned villain was the witch in Hansel and Gretel. OK, she used sugar as a weapon (a major crime in 2019), but, as Australians know all too well, houses are expensive.

Sam Armytage’s column is in this Sunday’s Stellar.

And if you pulled into your driveway and found a couple of brats chewing on yours, you’d probably react, too.

Later on, over a few vinos, Beauty Belle confided to her mates that she actually loved a man and a Beast fighting over her, as all women secretly do.

And anyone who’s ventured into the dating world in the past five centuries will totally get that Hans from Frozen, who first appears all honest and noble, actually turns out to be deceptive and calculating. And, I’m sure, a complete dud in bed.

So let’s not be so quick to judge, huh? Let’s remove the warts from the hooked noses of witches and stepmothers and single aunts everywhere and try a little understanding for the overworked, under-appreciated villain.

Samantha co-hosts Sunrise, 5.30am weekdays, on the Seven Network.

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Originally published as Sam Armytage: ‘I’m sure he was a dud in bed’