Grace Tame on PM: ‘I was not going to compromise my principles’

In her first interview since her frosty exchange with Scott Morrison, Grace Tame opens up on why she refused to smile during the infamous photo opportunity in an exclusive interview with Stellar.

In the year since she was named Australian of the Year, Grace Tame has become one of the most talked about women in the country, and in using her platform to advocate for survivors of child sexual abuse, the 27-year-old has not only ignited a national conversation but also galvanised millions of women along the way. As she announces a new role with L’Oréal Paris ahead of International Women’s Day, Tame reflects on the “reckoning that can never be undone”

“Today is another opportunity to continue the conversation of equality that is inclusive of everyone, regardless of gender” (Picture: Bec Parsons)

As our cover star for Stellar’s sixth annual International Women’s Day issue, what does International Women’s Day mean to you?

As an advocate of the child sexual abuse survivor community, the significance of International Women’s Day is multilayered. By default, of course, I’m an advocate for women. But what I am is an advocate for survivors of child sexual abuse.

There are a lot of male survivors of child sexual abuse, and male survivors are among my best friends. I’ve never once said, “I hate men.” And yet yesterday I read this thing from this man who said, “Oh, from here where I’m sitting, you’re just a man hater.”

I’ve never, never, never had the words “I hate men” come out of my mouth, so I find it really, really hard being in the space. I do my darnedest to be the best advocate I can possibly be of the survivor community, which very much includes boys.

So while we must always equally acknowledge, protect and advocate for our boys, and men who are fellow survivors of child sexual abuse, all of these things can be done while recognising that there are added layers of compounding disadvantage built into the experience of being a female, which must be addressed.

It goes without saying that our own nation also has its own entrenched, systemic inequalities that can’t be ignored. First Nations women, women of colour, women with disabilities, migrant women and other minorities as a result face even greater barriers to justice. But I have never called myself a feminist.

Not because I’m not. But it just never occurred to me to call myself a feminist because I just assumed that everyone wants equality. International Women’s Day to me means another opportunity to continue the conversation of equality that is inclusive of everyone, regardless of gender.

Today, you are announcing your new role as a L’Oréal Paris Woman of Worth, which marks your first beauty brand partnership. Why did you decide working with L’Oréal Paris was the right fit for you and how do you navigate the line between advocate and brand ambassador?

What really drew me to this particular partnership is the depth to it. That it’s not this

“commercial, product” thing. It’s changing the way that we do marketing. Before it was about selling products and now it’s about selling progress.

My number-one value is integrity, and it’s about the cause. It’s about [asking], “Is this going to benefit what we’re trying to achieve with The Grace Tame Foundation and the survivor community in eradicating abuse culture in all of its forms?”

This is a campaign that’s aimed at stopping harassment. [Tame will be the face of the brand’s global Stand Up Against Street Harassment campaign in Australia in April.] And so it was a no-brainer for us.

Max [Heerey, Tame’s fiancé] and I, we’re a team of two, and we had a really rigid set of criteria. We’ve been approached by a lot of companies. We thought long and hard about it, and we were really impressed by the direction that L’Oréal Paris are going in with this campaign. And I’ll be frank with you: we think it needs some work, but we’ve been impressed with where it is [at]. We see that it has so much potential.

“I was not going to compromise my principles and smile at the Prime Minister who has excused all of these things for the sake of civility. No.” (Picture: Bec Parsons)

“It wouldn’t be fair of me to go “Yes, I am the catalyst.” I’m just a domino, that’s how I think of myself in the scheme of things.” (Picture: Bec Parsons)

So many women who have bottled up their frustration for so long finally feel like they have permission to be angry. Are you aware of this impact you’ve had? How do you feel about being the catalyst for this change?

I’m very humbled and honoured to hear that, but I would say I’m not comfortable in being [called] “the” catalyst. This is a longstanding conversation and there are survivor advocates and sector experts who’ve been progressing and pushing this conversation forever and yelling into a void.

I just happened to get up on that stage and people were ready to listen. It’s one thing to have a message, it’s another thing for people to be receptive to it. I didn’t just come along without a team behind me who were pushing me.

Whether it was my mum or Nina Funnell [journalist Funnell created and managed the #LetHerSpeak campaign, and funded Grace Tame’s legal work and the legal work of the other 16 survivors featured in the campaign], I wouldn’t be here if Nina didn’t believe in me and start #LetHerSpeak and give the other brave survivors hope and a platform.

There’s an army behind me, there’s an army in front of me, there’s an army on either side of me. It wouldn’t be fair of me to go “Yes, I am the catalyst.” I’m just a domino, that’s how I think of myself in the scheme of things.

Both you and Brittany Higgins have stood up to power and spearheaded much of this change. Can you tell me a little about your friendship?

Our stories are very different for obvious reasons. I stand with Brittany. I support Brittany at all costs. But the common thread is [the way the complaints have been handled]. There’s the protecting the institutional image over the wellbeing of an individual [who makes a complaint], which is inexcusable. It’s unforgivable.

We can add it to the long list of reasons that I was not going to compromise my principles and smile at the Prime Minister who has excused all of these things for the sake of civility. No.

My friendship with Brittany is important because there are people who experience the limelight [in the way she and I have]. And so to have somebody who understands that very unique experience is invaluable. [There are] not very many people who you can turn to.

You got engaged to Max, now your manager, in January. Where do wedding plans lie amid everything else that you’ve got going on?

We’re looking to get married in February next year, something low-key, maybe on a beach somewhere. Max and I are very chilled people. Believe it or not, we like minimal fuss. We are your parmie and pub type of humans. Maybe we might just run away somewhere and then have a party afterwards.

Grace Tame announcing her engagement to Max Heerey in January (Picture: Instagram)

You’ve credited Max as being your rock and your soulmate through all of this. It is so clear how deeply happy you are together. What is it like working and living with your manager?

It’s so weird. I don’t even think of that dynamic. We hate saying it – because that dynamic doesn’t sound right, because it just works really well. He’s way more qualified than I am.

I had no qualifications whatsoever other than I have a couple of associate’s degrees in liberal arts, and I studied history and German and a few other things, but he’s a chartered accountant. He did business, business finance, financial planning and all that sort of stuff. We complement each other really well. And so the dynamic... we sort of just really gel in that way.

What does the rest of 2022 look like for you?

We’ve got a campaign underway with The Grace Tame Foundation to remove the word “relationship” from the legislation body and offence name of the crime of the offence of Persistent Child Sexual Abuse under section 66EA of the Crimes Act 1900 (NSW).

[This] is really important because it’s what drives a lot of the unhelpful perceptions and the victim-blaming around the whole offence of Persistent Child Sexual Abuse. That’s something that’s really important to me because that will make a difference in so many people’s lives.

Not only do we want to pursue legal reform, but we’re also looking to support organisations and programs that target education. So teaching people about protective behaviours, educating kids about what grooming looks like. I was abused 12 years ago… I didn’t have any idea about what grooming was. I didn’t hear about it until seven years after it happened to me.

“It’s those raw, rare human moments that give life its true value and meaning. You can’t take photos of them. You can’t pre-record them, or sell them for a price.” (Picture: Bec Parsons)

Looking back at the past year, what have been the toughest moments?

It’s hard to single [out] the toughest moments during a time of so many back-to-back tough ones, so it’s more a question of the cumulative impact of them. The real challenge is in surviving the relentlessness of intense scrutiny, pressure and action.

“Tough” isn’t necessarily synonymous with “negative”, though. By tough, I mean testing of strength and character. That said, the constant re-traumatisation of reliving my experience of child sexual abuse over and over in the media has left me like a punch-drunk boxer in a ring, unable to get back up on my feet before being struck with another unexpected blow to the head.

Not enough time has passed yet to allow me to [process] all the emotional pain that has been repeatedly poked and prodded at. I’m still waiting for it to settle.

And the stand-out moments?

You don’t need me to tell you how much progress was made last year in terms of the ongoing national conversation around child sexual abuse, sexual assault and domestic violence.

There are some kinds of change that you can quantify with numbers and statistics. Then there is another kind of raw connectivity that defies measurement. It’s the kind that stops you in your tracks and sends life-affirming shivers down your spine.

In June, I gave a speech in Perth. Afterwards, I stayed to talk and take photos with some guests who had formed a line. I noticed a middle-aged man towards the back of the queue. He stood out among all the women. Even from far away, I could tell he was nervous.

When we finally stood face-to-face on the stage, all he could manage to do was reach out a trembling pinkie finger. I smiled wide. He didn’t need to say anything. He smiled back. And started to cry. Then we were both crying. Then I asked him if I could give him a hug. He said “yes”.

Grace Tame stars on this Sunday’s Stellar

I will never forget how stunned he was; his wide eyes looking at mine, like everything was OK. Like everything was OK for the first time in a long time. He was abused when he was four, he told me quietly, before he hopped off the stage and chatted to my father and Max while I mingled with the remaining guests.

A while later, when we were driving back to our hotel in the taxi, my dad told me that man hadn’t even been able to bring himself to shake anyone’s hand for 10 years before that.

There are so many other highlights – from travelling around the country and seeing incredible places, to meeting inspiring people and lobbying for change. But it’s those raw, rare human moments that give life its true value and meaning.

You can’t take photos of them. You can’t pre-record them, or sell them for a price. And it is my greatest honour to be the first public child sexual abuse survivor to have been named an Australian of the Year.

What a remarkable turning point in our nation’s history. A nationwide shattering of shame. Palpable en masse empowerment. A reckoning that can never be undone.

Originally published as Grace Tame on PM: ‘I was not going to compromise my principles’