My husband is a buzz kill, and I'm sick of it

"I was so excited about this party, but now it feels like he's making her birthday all about him"

A woman has taken to Reddit following a disagreement with her husband over attending her close friend’s birthday party.

The friend, known for her birthday bashes, chose a dress up theme for the party. However, the woman’s partner wasn’t so keen, saying he’d prefer not to dress up, or for them not to attend at all.

But, is there some kind of compromise, or will she just have to live with him being a buzz kill?

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“He’s making her birthday about himself”

“I was invited to my close friend Anne’s 25th birthday party and was given a plus one if I wished,” she said in the post.

“Anne is very artistic, known for her parties, and into themes. She is making it costume themed and there is going to be a cash prize for the winner of the costume contest as well as all sorts of games and foods related to the theme.

“Anne is hoping to get a lot of nice photographs commemorating this party and has made costumes mandatory because of this.”

The woman went on to say she told her husband about the party, as she was excited to go. But, he wasn’t so sure about it all.

“My husband said he would go with me in support but that he would absolutely not dress up and that it was ‘selfish’ and ‘ridiculous’ to ‘force’ people to dress up for an event,” she said.

“To which I told him fine, either I could go alone or we did not have to go (if he wasn’t comfortable with me going alone) and I would RSVP no to Anne because even though I respect that costumes make him uncomfortable, I am not willing to ‘crash’ Anne’s party by coming in a way that is against her wishes when she is putting so much time, effort, and money into this party.

“I do not think Anne is someone who would be rude to my husband over it if he did go but I know it would hurt her when she has been so explicitly clear and it is her birthday and I do not have the heart to do that.”

This only started a bigger disagreement between the two - but who is really in the wrong?

“My husband says I’m being an asshole because I am taking the opportunity to do this party together and possibly at all away from myself because he is not willing to be ‘forced into something unnecessary’ and that Anne is an asshole for forcing her patrons to attend only based on conditions,” she said. “I can see his position. But I think he is for making her birthday about himself and acting like he is being forced when Anne and I never once said it was mandatory that he go at all.”

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“It’s Anne’s birthday!”

Commenters on the post immediately sided with the woman, saying it’s only respectful to follow a dress code at a themed event.

“It’s Anne’s birthday, and she’s putting a lot of effort into her party. If she’s clear about the dress code, then it’s respectful to follow it,” said one commenter.

“It’s not about forcing anyone, it’s about being part of the celebration and supporting your friend. Your husband’s being a bit selfish, tbh. It’s not about him being ‘forced’, it’s about respecting the event and the effort your friend’s putting in.”

“OMG, your husband is being such a buzzkill! It's literally ONE NIGHT to celebrate your friend. Like, get over yourself. It's about respecting HER effort,” another agreed.

“Honestly, it's a costume party, not a three-day hike through the Amazon. Your husband needs to relax and have some fun,” said a third.

Some even compared it to a wedding, or other similar events with dress codes.

“Remember when you were planning your wedding? I bet everyone was ‘forced’ to ‘dress up’ for y'alls wedding. A planned party, y'alls day. Now replace wedding with birthday. A planned party, her day. She gets to ask you to come but you don't have to. Just like im sure you & him have asked others & they obliged,” said one commenter.

“This is no different than going to a wedding listed as ‘black tie’ in slacks and a polo or being asked to bring pie to Thanksgiving dinner and showing up with a ham. The host gets to decide the rules of their party, end of story,” said another.

“It’s no different than putting on a suit and tie for someone’s wedding party,” a third agreed.

“He doesn’t HAVE to go”

Others asked if they could find some sort of compromise - the first being that the husband simply stays at home while she goes and enjoys the party.

“I hate costume parties and I’m a normal person so I would tell my wife to go and have fun and send pics,” said one commenter.

“Okay, so like, he's kinda being a baby about it. It's Anne's birthday and she clearly wants everyone in costume for the pics and stuff. He doesn't HAVE to go if he's gonna be all grumpy and ruin the vibe. It's giving major ‘making it about him’ vibes when it's supposed to be about Anne. Go have fun with your friend! He can chill at home if he can't handle a little dressing up,” said another.

“I'm really trying to sincerely wrap my head around why it's okay for him to dictate that you can't go to this party without him. Is there a reason you have decided he gets to have final say on this?” a third agreed.

“There are some costumes that are normal!”

Some suggested another type of compromise, with the woman’s husband wearing some kind of entry-level costume to the party.

“Could you come up with a costume for him that’s more like normal clothes? Eg make him a ‘reporter’ lanyard/pass and glasses and go as Clarke Kent rather than Superman? Or go as the narrator, or illustrator etc…” one person suggested.

“Surely there was some outfit he could wear that would pass as a costume for the theme? Most cartoons have some sort of dad/boss/ whatever that’s dressed in a suit or pants and a button up shirt,” said another.

“I once went to a Halloween party unexpectedly while visiting family in Canada. Everyone was dressed up except me who was in jeans, a shirt and jacket and boots. When someone asked what I was dressed as I said ‘Australian tourist, mate.”

“There are costumes that are normal. Like Scooby Do is a cartoon and Shaggy just wears a green shirt and brown pants, that’s normal clothes so hubby is comfortable and still a costume,” said another.

Plus, he might even have some fun.

“The first time I asked my husband to go to an event in costume, he was hesitant. He started small with a fairly simple costume, mostly just a few accessories over regular clothes,” told one commenter.

“Now, it's full outfits that are items only worn as part of the costume. We start discussing Halloween costumes around Thanksgiving.

“Your friend wants people to be able to be someone else for a night. Your husband should try it, I would recommend he try being someone fun for a change. Or he could just dress up as his favorite literary character. Or favorite politician.”

Originally published as My husband is a buzz kill, and I'm sick of it