What do I do instead of smacking my kid if they have hit me or someone else?

"Don't hit back - that teaches them that it's ok," an expert advises those who are anti- gentle parenting, before offering a solid alternative. 

'Old-school' discipline has become a huge debate in 2024 - leaving parents more confused than ever.

Many seem to think that 'gentle parenting' isn't effective at obtaining immediate obedience - and it's left them wondering what else they can do apart from physical discipline.

Mum and parenting coach Annaliese Murray has now offered a simple suggestion to help - and you just might feel it's a light bulb moment.

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Image: TikTok/iStock

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"You're role modelling it"

Murray starts her clip, "Okay, so your child has hit. What do we do?

"If you are trying to be authoritarian, you'd probably smack them, or yell or scream, to try to teach them not to do that.

"Unfortunately, what you're actually doing is teaching that their behaviour is okay, because you're role modelling it."

Murray then says that if you're a permissive parent, you might ask the child to stop - numerous times.

"You might also continue to let them hit you, telling them, 'You're not being very nice, please stop.' But they are upset and can't control their impulses and triggers so that won't work."

So, what's an effective solution?

"Get up and remove yourself, hold their hands so they can't access you. If they are hurting their sibling, get up and remove them. You might let them have their emotions, but making sure everyone is safe.

"Once they are calm, you will teach them what to do instead of hitting."

To indicate how frustrated and 'out of options' some parents feel, this viewer wrote after watching the clip: "I’m so permissive, I feel like I’ve done it too long and my son just doesn’t listen, he always hits me and his sisters and just follows us hitting us."

RELATED: ‘ I can’t believe there’s so many of you out there biting your kids’

"Put a chair between you"

Parents had a lot of questions for Murray, such how far should the separation go?

"Hold their hands firm, turn them so they can’t kick, put a chair between you," Murray told the viewer.

And what if there's charged voices being used?

“Regular voice please. I’d love to help you please ask in your regular voice," the expert suggests.

Murray's approach of firm and consistent parenting has often had a mixed reaction, with adults who were raised in a different era often wanting to resort to the old-school ways.

For example, in response to a clip of a mum not allowing her tardy son into the car and instead driving off, she said:

"Extremes like this happen when you actually are not parenting properly. I was permissive parenting. I did not hold a boundary. I allowed my child to ignore me a number of times, then I got angry and exploded, and now my child is going to pay for me not being the leader in the first place.

"That is the cycle of permissive parenting.

"Do not ask your children more than once. And then you actually lead. You get up and walk over to them, take their hand and guide them to the car.

"Parenting is leading and not expecting a child with 20% of your maturity to do your job."

Murray has also spoken direct;y to Kidspot: you can read more about her boundary-holding and firm ideas about parenting here.

Originally published as What do I do instead of smacking my kid if they have hit me or someone else?