We promised to never marry, even after kids. Now I want to, but he doesn't

"He's actually accused me of 'backing out of our deal'. Frankly, sir: grow up."

Do you have an anonymous question you desperately need answered? Submit it to our Advice Needed column.

Advice Needed

My partner and I have been together for 10+ years and have two children together.

We always said we would never get married, but now the kids are getting older and asking about it, I have changed my mind.

However he is dead against the idea and accused me of backing out of our ‘deal’.

Obviously, I am offended.  Where do I go from here? 

Want to join the family? Sign up to our Kidspot newsletter for more stories like this.

Advice from the Kidspot Editor, Emily

The thing about long-term relationships is that people change.

Circumstances change. Feelings change. And certainly you are well within your rights to change your mind about an agreement you made over a decade ago… Especially when there are kids involved. Because as every parent knows, kids change EVERYTHING. 

So, where does that leave you and your man? 

Firstly, I find it weird that he is accusing you of backing out of a ‘deal’. You want to talk about lifetime contracts? Seems like he's already signed not one, but two. And if an actual piece of paper is all of a sudden taking things too far... Frankly, sir, grow up. 

Image: iStock

"Shut up and wed up?"

Not that I’m saying your man should shut up and wed up, because I’m actually not. I would argue, however, that he needs a better reason than ‘but you saiiid.’ We’re talking 10 years and two kids, here. What is he so afraid of? 

It could be the idea of a wedding. Or it could be a genuine opposition to marriage as a whole. We don’t need a label; why fix something that ain’t broke? 

Except you want a label. And what wasn’t broke now has a crack in it that needs to be addressed. 

As I said, things change. 

Which means you both need to sit down and have A Serious Chat.

Tell him why you’ve changed your mind, as well as what it means to you and the children. Be clear on why you're so offended. Find out why he’s so adverse to the idea (did his parents go through a messy divorce, for example?) and if there’s any way you can reach a compromise.

If it’s the idea of a wedding he’s against, go without one. If it’s some kind of fear of being ‘locked down’, well, who’s going to tell him he already is?  

But also be real with yourself. I'm all for legalising commitment for the right reasons, but if it's a relationship bandaid you're after, this ain't it. 

Remember - at the end of the day, the goal is Happily Ever After, and I hope you get it. Just make sure it's on terms that suit you both. 

Originally published as We promised to never marry, even after kids. Now I want to, but he doesn't