‘We didn’t want kids, then we had a surprise baby and my husband checked out’

“I thought we’d made peace with it… but sometimes he makes comments about his life if she didn’t exist,” the devastated mum reveals.

If there’s one thing having kids teaches you, it’s that a lot of life is out of our control.

Most of the time, we can choose where to live, what to do for work, or failing those big picture things, we can at least choose which track pants to wear that morning and which mug to pour our coffee into.

With young kids around we might not change out of those track pants all day, and maybe we won’t drink our coffee until it’s stone cold, and that’s where acceptance comes in handy.

But what if you fall pregnant when you never planned to have kids? And what if you decide that you’re going to keep the baby?

Jane* and Tom found themselves in precisely that situation.

When they got married, kids were never part of the plan, but when Jane fell pregnant unexpectedly, they decided to make it work.

The baby is now 12 months old, and things are getting harder at home. “We’ve made peace with it, or so I thought,” she posted on Reddit.

“My husband loves her, I know he does, but he always makes comments about how he would have this or that if she wasn’t here.”

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Jane was heartbroken that her husband didn't enjoy their baby. Photo: iStock

New dad checks out and doesn’t enjoy baby

Tom has been pretty direct about how unhappy he is.

“I made a comment that I really enjoy her and she makes me happy and his response to me was, ‘Good for you’. I asked if he enjoyed her and he just told me no flatly, no explanation or anything.”

She added that the baby clearly preferred her, even though, “he tells her he loves her, calls her sweet names and tries to play with her”.

Jane was feeling lost. Was Tom’s unhappiness normal? Did they need therapy? Would he be happier if she took the baby and left?

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Dads weighed in and shared their perspective.

“Not enjoying a baby and resenting a baby are radically different,” one said. “I love my children, two intentional choices. I hated, with a passion, having a baby in the house. I hated it so much it was almost a one-child situation.”

“Our second born was a terrible sleeper… I’m a very light sleeper and I generally function well on six hours,” said another. “I didn’t get that for two and a half years…. I was always cranky. I can’t say I didn’t love him, but there was definitely a lack of connection at that time.”

Some people warned Jane to address the matter urgently.

“Growing up unloved could impact her mental health and wellbeing for the rest of her life,” one person said.

*Names have been changed

Originally published as ‘We didn’t want kids, then we had a surprise baby and my husband checked out’