The hygiene horror of parenting a child with ADHD

“Rubbish left everywhere no space on the floor in the room and smells. Sh** literally everywhere." 

When it comes to raising a child with ADHD, there are certain battles you expect, homework, impulsivity, maybe some meltdowns.

But ask parents in the thick of it, and they’ll tell you: one of the hardest, most relentless struggles is hygiene.

We’re not talking about the odd forgotten shower or skipped tooth brushing session.

For some families ADHD spirals into a daily war zone of overwhelming smells, hidden health risks, and sheer emotional exhaustion. Image: Supplied

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Behind these struggles is something much deeper

For some families, it spirals into a daily war zone of overwhelming smells, hidden health risks, and sheer emotional exhaustion.

“I discovered underneath the dreadlock was a large scabbed-over area of his scalp crawling with lice that were literally feeding on his dead skin,” says Sarah, a 43-year-old academic and homeschooling mum. Her 11-year-old son, who has ADHD and autism, has battled hygiene challenges for years: “We didn’t realise how bad it had gotten.”

Or take Frankie, a single mum cohabiting with her ex-partner and two kids. The hygiene and mess issues with her 16-year-old daughter, who has ADHD, are constant — and confronting.

“Rubbish left everywhere no space on the floor in the room and smells. Sh** literally everywhere,” she says. “Last time I cleaned it there was a lot of mould on various things.”

It’s easy for outsiders to judge.

But behind these struggles is something much deeper — and largely invisible.

“It’s not a matter of laziness or defiance — it’s a neurodevelopmental issue affecting their internal system of checks and balances,” explains US-based ADHD and Executive Function Specialist Michael McLeod.

McLeod says what’s often missed in conversations about ADHD is the core issue of executive dysfunction. That includes things like task initiation, organization, self-awareness, and time management — all of which are crucial for maintaining hygiene. 

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“Kids with ADHD are neurologically wired to live in the now,” he says. “The future consequence of being dirty, smelly, or socially rejected doesn’t carry the same internal weight or urgency.”

For Frankie, the mess brings more than frustration — it stirs up painful memories. “I grew up in a house like that and did my best to break the cycle but am now struggling with my child living like this,” she explains. 

Cleaning her daughter’s room triggers flashbacks of her stepfather’s home — a place so overrun with filth it required a biohazard clean after his heart attack. “Seeing my daughter’s room like that is really triggering but then I just feel horrible because she is 16 and a child and I feel like I’m reacting in a trauma way to my parents.”

Just like Frankie, Sarah is exhausted by the fruitless fight to address her kid’s filth: “No matter how many schedules, expectations, reminders, punishments or rewards we tried, we just couldn’t get hygiene to happen without a constant battle.” 

Sensory issues play a huge role.

“The water hurts… brushing teeth is ‘too much,’ especially if he’s already overstimulated,” Sarah explains. He refuses haircuts and wears a thick winter hat — even in summer — to calm himself. But the long hair, hat, and refusal to brush led to the lice crisis. 

He also has little sense of smell, which means body odour, mould, or even faeces and urine don’t register. “At one point, one of our dogs had weed on his mattress, and it reeked but he hadn’t noticed at all. He’d been sleeping in it, unaware.”

McLeod says sensory sensitivities like this are common in ADHD, with up to 60% of individuals also showing signs of sensory processing disorder. “Water temperature, soap texture, the sound of a toilet flushing — these are minor nuisances for a neurotypical brain but can feel like physical pain for a sensory-sensitive child,” he explains.

For parents, it’s a relentless emotional balancing act — knowing your child isn’t doing this on purpose, while still facing health risks and social stigma. “I swing between deep compassion and sheer frustration… The lice episode, in particular, triggered intense feelings of failure and helplessness,” Sarah admits.

For parents, it’s a relentless emotional balancing act. Image: Supplied

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But there is hope — and strategies. McLeod suggests focusing on realistic, compassionate support rather than punishment or shame:

1. Externalize the routine– Visual charts or step-by-step guides on the mirror
2. Pair hygiene with dopamine– Music or small rewards tied to completion
3. Reduce the friction – Let kids choose gentler products to make hygiene less overwhelming
4. Make it social – Siblings or parents modelling routines together
5. Celebrate progress, not perfection – “You brushed for 30 seconds? That’s progress. Let’s aim for 45 tomorrow.”

“This is not about failure. It’s about wiring,” McLeod says.

Or as Sarah puts it: “Our kids aren’t doing it to make life hard – on themselves or on us – they are having a hard time. And so are we, as parents.”

Read more of Ginger’s reporting on ADHD here and here and here. 

*Because of the societal, the parents quoted in this story have been given pseudonyms 

Ginger Gorman is a social justice journalist and author. She also has ADHD. Her upcoming book for Harper Collins is called, “Flying not Falling.” 

Originally published as The hygiene horror of parenting a child with ADHD