‘I took in my four nieces and I can’t do it anymore… I want to send them back’

“This was never meant to be permanent - I have four kids of my own and they’re really suffering, but my sister is an addict. I don’t know what to do,” the mum reveals.

Pilar Grace

3 min read

September 28, 2023 - 9:14PM

Woman became foster mum after neighbour failed to return from shops

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When Beth took in her sister’s four daughters, she thought she was doing the right thing.

Her sister and brother-in-law were heroin addicts and the girls, who are now aged 12, 8, 7 and 3, were at risk of being put into foster care. Taking them in temporarily seemed like the only option.

Except the arrangement hasn’t been temporary.

Four years later, Beth and her husband have raised their nieces, and the split focus along with the challenging behaviour of the kids has meant that Beth’s own kids, aged 17, 15 seven and four, have suffered.

“This was never meant to be a permanent arrangement,” she explained in a Reddit post.

“Eight kids is INSANE. It’s affecting our marriage, our mental health, everything. I’ve been suicidal even.”

Beth said she thought the girls’ parents would “get their acts together and get their girls back”.

Instead the couple split up and the dad now has a new partner and child.

Beth’s sister ended up in jail and was recently released. “She’s living in a shelter right now and her future plans are to ‘dedicate her life to God’ while we retain custody of her kids,” Beth said.

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Beth felt terrible. She didn't want to abandon her nieces, but fostering them was destroying her own family. Photo: iStock

Aunt struggling with fostering nieces

Beth said she recognised that her nieces had a very good life compared to going into foster care, but her kids have suffered.

“It’s been hell for my kids. I can’t even begin to describe the crap they have suffered just to allow us to help their cousins. I can’t continue to let my kids suffer.”

Beth felt stuck. How could she undo this? “How do I look my family members in the face after I let them go? How do I live with myself?”

It wasn’t just the burden of caring for twice as many children as she had four years ago, Beth was also struggling with keeping up with the extra needs of two of her nieces: one has diabetes and the other is special needs.

“Therapy is one hour away, one way, to the closest place. The kids would be out of school for half a day each and I’d be constantly going back and forth. Can’t do it. Can’t afford the petrol even.”

Reddit community weighs in on fostering issue

Although Beth had shared that extended family couldn’t help, Reddit commenters were adamant that someone else in the family needed to step up.

“This relatives can provide financial support and respite care,” one person said. “They can take one or more of the kids. When my grandpa was a kid, his parents died. He and his four siblings were split among his aunts and they saw each other frequently. There are options if there are other relatives.”

Others shared their sympathy.

“I’m sorry for your hardships,” one person said. “I’m sorry for those girls. None of it is fair but fairness is pointless in this situation. Whatever outcome you choose, please be kind and forgiving to yourself.”

One person shared a personal story as a foster child.

“My birth mother gave up all four of her kids,” they said. “We were all separated by the time we’d been in foster care for one year.

“Family took in the oldest, who was 10. The rest of us spent five years in the system and rarely saw each other. Then our mother relinquished custody… no family would take us and we were left to either be adopted or live in care until we aged out.

“One of my siblings died from an OD at 45. Another is a drug addict with a record a mile long. The brother that family took in, I haven’t spoke to in almost 40 years. The resentment I have for my birth family abandoning us three is something I will never get over, especially since there were people who could have stepped up.”