Help, I don't love my stepdaughter and I'm at my wit's end

“She isn’t into the things I do for her such as clothes shopping, reading, baking or cooking. I have no motivation to do any motherly things for her or cuddle her.”

Blending families can be a challenging and emotional journey, filled with highs and lows as everyone adjusts to new dynamics and roles. 

One woman who knows this feeling all too well took to the Melbourne Mums Facebook group to vent about her struggles connecting with her seven-year-old stepdaughter. 

Not only is she having a hard time bonding with her, but she’s also started to wonder whether or not she loves her at all, or whether she even needs to.

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"I've been liking her less and less"

In the post, she asked: “What’s wrong with me? I don’t love my stepdaughter!”

She then explains, “I have a son and my partner has a daughter. The two families blended together a year ago. The kids are both seven and in the same class. My stepdaughter’s mum left when she was four but they video call about twice a month.”

The woman says that in the initial few months after blending her family, she was “excited” about the prospect of having a daughter. “I shopped for clothes and did many girlie things with her. I love kids and kids generally adore me,” she says. 

“But lately, I find myself liking her less and less. She isn’t into the things I do for or with her such as clothes shopping, reading, baking or cooking. I have no motivation to do any motherly things for/with her or cuddle her.

“My son does age-appropriate chores around the house. When I tried to apply the same principle to the stepdaughter, she complained to her father that she was being treated like Cinderella. So I’ve stopped that despite the rising resentment from my son.”

But in addition to these issues, the OP also takes issue with the girl’s “constant need to be the centre of attention.”

“She does not let my son or myself lead a conversation or watch a movie in peace for example. She hates my cooking but it’s okay if the father makes the exact same meals. She’s super obnoxious. Her behaviour sometimes, I feel is toddler-like.

“The constant fibbing I can tolerate but I’m at my wit's end, she would hit out at my son or my pet dog (physically and verbally) when she thinks the parents aren’t watching.”

The woman even says that she and her partner can no longer go on date nights due to his daughter’s “extreme attachment” to her dad.

“She gets away with murder because according to my partner, she has abandonment issues,” she adds.

“So, I think it’s up to me to change. What are some of the strategies you can share that will allow me to better cope with her behaviour? I’m starting to self-medicate nightly with wine and I don’t think it’s a path I want to continue.”

Image: IStock

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"She's seven for goodness sake"

Responses from the group poured in, offering empathy and guidance for the mum, while others told her she was too harsh and she needs to see the situation from the stepdaughter's perspective.

One person advised: “Please have compassion for her. She’s seven for goodness sake. Maybe try doing things with her that are of interest to HER.“I was raised by a step-parent who made it very clear that I wasn’t liked and a parent that let it happen. You are the adult here.

"She is a part of your partner's life and that won’t change so either get used to it or find the door.“I’m glad you’re asking for help and I agree that this is on you to change but I think you need more than just advice from a mums group. Therapy might help rewire your brain.”

And another wrote: “She's been raised differently and might have trauma that your son doesn't have, she probably senses your energy to her and she is probably struggling to adapt to such a huge change.

"Imagine you were forced to live with two other people and you had no say. Your son might be reacting well but he's a different person. Don't expect to be liked, or to love her but just try to be there for her or help her.”

Then this person said: “That situation must be very scary for your step-daughter. She has lost her mum and she likely feels like she is now having to share her father. I would suggest that you and your partner need some couples counselling."

A fourth wrote: "As the stepmum to three kids under 10, you're not always gonna like em. Hell, we don't always like biological kids either. They're kids, they're gonna be sh*ts. The thing is, you are the adult. This child is seven and has had to adjust to a hell of a lot. Just because she is a girl, doesn't mean she was ever going to be into any or all of the things that you are into.

"Trust me, there are going to be more hard days than easy ones. And as the step-parent, you're going to be the go-to target where blame and anger and every big emotion running through her body are concerned. You can't expect her to act or react like your son does. What you can control is your own response and reactions. I would highly recommend counselling, for her, and maybe for all of you as a family. As for chores/meals/etc, have a talk with your partner, and then set up a plan together."

"Why should you love another woman's child?"

Someone else pointed out: "This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion but why should you love another woman's child? She is a child, yes, but she is not yours. It's too bad she doesn't have a mother in her life but that is not your fault, OP.

"She has her father, and you are not responsible for fixing the psychological issues she has developed from her past experiences. You have a son who IS your responsibility, however."

A different user said: "I think you need to honestly decide if this is the environment you want your son to grow up in. I'd suggest therapy but your number one priority is your son. If she's being abusive to your son, this isn't fair. No relationship is worth more than your son's right to a safe family home life. Really sorry you're going through this, it sounds really sh*t."

Then this woman provided this message of support: "I don’t have advice but just came to say it’s a really hard thing to parent someone else’s child. I think the fact you are asking for help shows you care about her more than you think. Good luck you’re doing the best you can with a situation that wasn’t caused by you."

Originally published as Help, I don't love my stepdaughter and I'm at my wit's end