Having a vent to your kids could be doing more damage than you think

"It's really disastrous."

We know that having a good old vent can be healthy. But when it comes to us parents, there's one set of ears we need to avoid.  

A Brisbane psychologist is warning parents against turning their children into emotional confidants during tumultuous or trying times.

Emma Peterson says it’s a pattern she sees all too often. 

“We don’t want them to feel responsible for managing those emotions for us,”  Emma told Kidspot. 

“Without realising we pass things down.” 

Emma wishes more parents were aware of when they're projecting their emotions. Image: TikTok/psychologistemma

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Turning to children about financial stress, marital tension or general life pressure, she explains, can unintentionally reverse the roles. 

“Instead of saying ‘I’ve had a hard day, Grandma is having a hard time with Grandpa, and the mortgage is due and we don't have the funds,’ we might say something like, ‘I’ve had a big day and I’m feeling a little stressed, but I’m okay,’” she explained. 

“That’s an honest moment, but it’s contained. It lets them see that feelings are normal and passable, without putting pressure on them to fix anything.”

Emma says some parents blur that line unintentionally, often because of the emotional modelling they experienced growing up. 

“It happens. And the most powerful thing you can do now is own it and repair it,” she said. 

“You don’t have to have the perfect words. It’s the accountability and the follow-through that matters. Keep showing them, through action, that you’re the safe base now and that they get to be the kid again.”  

In a recent TikTok, Emma’s message struck a chord with many parents.

She explained that for some, the instinct to confide in their kids stems from their own experiences growing up as their parent’s emotional support system. 

“I see the burden you carried that was beyond your capacity,” she wrote in the caption of her clip. 

It's something he witnesses often in her clinic. 

“What I see too often is children that have been parentified," she explained in the video. 

She gave an example of confiding in your child in the midst of a divorce and leaning on the child as an emotional crutch.

“The child's sense of safety is rocked because now the roles have switched and they're looking after my mum or dad's needs. They're being placed in a triangulation situation between their both parents,” she explained. 

“The state of their world is really confusing because they're not developmentally able to fulfil that role that they've been placed into..”

Emma says this experience can follow children into adulthood. 

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The comments on her post were filled with painful, lived examples. 

“When I was 12 and my parents divorced. I became my mother’s husband and would spend most of my Friday nights with my Mum listening to her cry about her situation and offering her support. It limited my ability to connect with other kids my age and something I still struggle to do now,” one person revealed. 

“My parents did this. My dad confided in my eldest sister & it ruined her relationship with our mum. My mum did it with me and it ruined my relationship with my dad, and subsequently her in my adult years. I realised what she had done,” another wrote. 

A third revealed; “I saw a therapist when I was 14 because I was crying and worried about paying our mortgage.” 

Emma urges parents to choose the right outlet for their struggles. One that doesn’t come at their child’s emotional expense.

“We see people-pleasing behaviours come in, perfectionism. We see deep senses of loneliness. We see PTSD. It's really disastrous,” she explained. 

“Protect the state of your child's childhood."

Originally published as Having a vent to your kids could be doing more damage than you think