Gentle parenting doesn’t work... in the way you think

"If you're demanding immediate unquestioning obedience, gentle parenting won't give you those results."

Recently at my place, we’ve hit a major milestone. My youngest son climbed straight into his car seat and patiently waited to be buckled.

Toddler parents know that this is a pretty big deal! Because until now, he would jump around all over the car while myself and my husband flustered about trying to catch him.

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But this didn’t happen on its own, or straight away. I had to explain to him over time that while he was having trouble settling down, Mummy would put him in his seat so we can get to daycare on time and we can try again together next week.

After a week of missing his much-craved independence, he decided climbing straight into his seat was worth it.

So my gentle parenting worked - just not immediately. 

Instead, what I taught him was to consider what he was doing, and what the consequences are. Isn't that a good thing?

Image: TikTok

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"I know why you think it doesn’t work"

I can see why gentle parenting has a bad rep.

Old School parents see a lack of discipline, soft parents are paralysed by their children's tantrums, or worse, they palm the job of parenting off to the most convenient nearby screen. Critics think we’re leaving Peppa Pig to teach our kids the ways of the world, which, judging by Peppa's attitude, certainly wouldn’t help.

The debate in the comment section of my clip about the car seat anecdote was fast-growing, with critics calling out "lazy parents."

"My sister-in-law's kids are the worst-behaved children ever! Mine are terrors, but at least they mostly behave," said one critic.

Then there was this take: "Gentle Parenting isn’t supposed to be permissive; you do need to still discipline your kids."

That woman has a great point. The guidelines of gentle parenting are to provide clear boundaries and discipline as necessary in a calm and consistent way, not to simply turn a blind eye!

The comment I agreed with the most was this: “People only think it doesn’t work because their goal is blind obedience. We’re just trying not to traumatise our kids!"

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"If you can teach your kids without screaming, shouting and smacking why won't you?"

Trust me, I’ve lost my cool enough times to know that my kids don’t care when I scream. But losing their chance of independence, and getting to climb into the car by himself was a consequence that made getting in properly worthwhile.

I think what the old school critics don’t like about gentle parenting is that it holds a mirror up to their own behaviours. If you can teach your kids without screaming, shouting and smacking why won't you?

I think critics see the approach as a put down of theirs. One thing no parent likes is feeling like they’re doing a bad job.

Ultimately, I think both of these comments are true: “Some kids and situations require more immediate discipline than others” and “Maybe gentle parenting needs a rebrand!” which I wholeheartedly agree with!

I agree especially with the second one: because the parenting style that allows for children to learn consequences, make good choices, learn empathy and understand how to behave in a way that’s respectful to those around them can only be a good thing.

Originally published as Gentle parenting doesn’t work... in the way you think