I now realise being a married default parent is harder than doing it alone

"People pity us single mums and they needn't. Even though I'm still the default parent, this time, it's my choice."

"Being the default parent is no joke," begins a tearful mum in a recent TikTok.

She's overwhelmed with the mental and physical demands of caring for three small children.

But what she's upset about the most is that by being the 'default parent' - even seen that way by her kids - she's sentenced to bear the sole responsibility for anything family-related. 

Many, many mums can relate to how frustrating, depressing and exhausting that can be. I mean, that's why there's an actual term for it.

But then there's also the married default parents whose partners have deliberately placed the full burden on them. Intentionally. Their feeling can be summed up like this: the unique heartbreak of witnessing someone your equal choosing to leave it all up to you.

I know what it feels like because I was that mum before I was forced into making a last-resort choice.

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"It can't be as hard as this marriage"

I'm not going to rubbish my ex (there's laws against that), and as divorced couples often do, we have very different versions of events.

But I will tell you this: by the time I left my husband, our baby was two-years-old; which meant that I'd spent two years watching him leave every aspect of raising a child, to me. 

After feeling like I was hitting my head against a brick wall and knowing I'd continue to do so unless something changed, I decided to separate.

It was like a storm cloud had been lifted.

I've been the default parent for 15 years. Image: Nama Winston and her son

"Being a single mum is a lot of work," his ex wife warned me.

"It can't be as hard as this marriage," I told her, and I was right.

Being a parent and knowing the only other parent your child has is not as engaged or involved in raising them, doesn't live and breathe their highs and lows in the same way, and won't share the incredible experience with you, is utterly heartbreaking. Especially when you supposedly love each other, too.

It's also overwhelming and isolating, because you never thought parenting with the person would be like this. 

As one friend told me, "I never signed up to do this alone but still married."

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"I'm so unhappy but I don't want to be a single mum"

I think it's true that no matter what, parenting and life is and can be hard. Even within families without financial worries, and marriages are strong.

But being a default parent makes things so much more challenging.

I've had a number of friends over the years who've told me, "I'm so unhappy in my marriage but I don't want to be a single mum."

Fair enough - your call. We all make our own deals with the devil, and decide on what we can and won't accept.

So I just want to say to you, what I say to them. The general truth is that being a single mum is no harder than being any other sort of parent; it's just in a different way. We all have our challenges with parenting.

I've been a sole mum with no shared custody for 15 years. Yes, I'll be the first to say single parenting can be terrifying, overwhelming and frustrating in so many ways. 

It's also bloody amazing; and at the very least, I don't have to rely on someone who needs encouragement to be involved - which was the one thing that killed my marriage.

I don't have to fight someone with a different parenting approach. 

I don't feel constantly let down by someone who has equal responsibility over our child.

I don't watch, every day and in every way, someone choose to let me do it alone.

I am still the default parent - but this time, it's my choice.

Originally published as I now realise being a married default parent is harder than doing it alone