‘Backwards’: Australia’s same-sex adoption shame unveiled

Mark Bowness always wanted to be a dad – but he was forced to pay a shocking amount to realise that dream thanks to a “backwards” policy.

We live in a new world.

The post-marriage equality era is unprecedented territory for same-sex couples. Worldwide, new upbeat stories are being told: stories of parenthood for gay couples who grew up believing it’d never happen in their lifetime.

But this happy-ever-after dream is yet to reach many Australian same-sex couples.

The stories you hear in our country of supposed equal opportunity and the fair go are of 10-year waits, same-sex couples told they’ll never be approved, religious agencies openly refusing to place children with gay couples and, in one of Australia’s most populous and progressive states, barely any same-sex adoptions even happening.

It’s pushing potential gay adopters towards surrogacy – a practice which can be extremely expensive, is sometimes open to the exploitation of women and has both religious and feminist detractors.

‘Bottom of the list’

“It’s a great shame,” says Mark Bowness, 44, from Melbourne. He and his husband had wanted to adopt – but the wait time was just too long, with no guarantee of successful placement.

“We would’ve, without fail, adopted kids out there that need the parents instead of surrogacy. “Same-sex couples are bottom of the adoptee list in Australia. They go to heterosexual couples first. I was told by one Victorian adoption agency we’d wait 10 years, by which point I’d be too old to be approved.”

The couple went on to spend an eye-watering $A330,000 on surrogacy, which included the cost of using a commercial surrogate in the US.

The issue is front of mind because of a new BBC TV drama, Lost Boys and Fairies, recently released on Stan. It tells the heart-rending story of a same-sex male couple successfully adopting a child in the UK and gives a fascinating insight into the diligent care of social workers.

Mark Bowness with his daughter Mahalia. Picture: Mark Bowness

Watching it in Australia feels bittersweet because of how far behind we seem on the issue.

Same-sex adoption has been legal in every Australian jurisdiction since 2018, but the reality is fraught.

Victoria’s Department of Justice and Community Safety says, on average, adoptions have been approved within 17 months.

The real problem is how rarely it’s happening – since 2017, just five same-sex couples have been approved in the whole state. Fewer than one a year.

Compare that to the UK. The average length of time for an adoption to be approved is about six months. One in six adoptive parents are in same-sex relationships.

Last year, Rodney Chiang-Cruise from Gay Dads Australia advised gay couples in Victoria not to bother even attempting adoption, calling it a “fool’s journey”.

Mark and his surrogate Jennyfer. Picture: Mark Bowness

NSW – a hotchpotch mess

While things are slightly better in NSW, there’s still a way to go before either of our most populous states – home to most of Australia’s LGBTQI people – can be considered fair and equal for same-sex couples wanting to adopt.

“I’ve always wanted to be a dad,” Shane Marinan-Valentine, 38, from Sydney says.

“So has [my husband] Sam: as a former primary school teacher, kids always played a big part in his life.”

The gay couple really wanted to adopt – so much so, they called it “plan A”.

Together, they undertook all the training and education for adoption. Then came devastating news.

“We learned the likelihood of us being matched with a child was really low,” Sam, 37, says. “That’s because most children enter the foster system first, which generally moves slowly. “There was no guarantee the children would be with us long term. We weren’t sure we could handle that emotionally.”

So began some soul searching for the Marinan-Valentines – and resorting to what they called “plan B” – surrogacy.

“We weighed up the different points of view, aware of the opposition, the stigma,” Sam says. “We’d heard horror stories of impoverished surrogate women in India and Thailand.”

Such horror stories led them to decide on an overseas altruistic surrogate (one who isn’t paid) – Cass, who helped them in Canada, and to whom they are “enormously grateful”. Their beloved daughter, Amelia, was born in October last year.

Shane and Sam Marinan-Valentine with their daughter Amelia. Picture: Supplied

Luckily, for this couple, things worked out well. But surrogacy is a divisive practice and the “horror stories” of female exploitation the couple allude to are widely covered and campaigned against by groups such as Surrogacy Concern and Stop Surrogacy Now.

Other gay male couples are being told at education courses that fostering is “rarely a pathway to adoption” and have reported that the only positive response they received from a NSW agency was Barnardo’s Australia.

NSW legalised same-sex adoption in 2010. The Department of Communities and Justice NSW said that, in the past five years (2018 – 2023), 59 children in out-of-home care were adopted by same-sex couples.

“This is only one type of adoption (known child adoption) and DCJ is not required to be involved in all adoptions, so this figure is not a total number of all same-sex adoptions in NSW in that period,” the department added.

However, it’s a snapshot – around 12 same-sex couples a year. But other ideal, healthy, relatively young gay couples in NSW who could provide a child with a stable loving home – like Shane and Sam – are being told the likelihood of being matched with a child is just too low (or will take too long) to continue.

Shane and Sam with their surrogate Cass and daughter Amelia. Picture: Supplied

Some charities – namely, Barnardo’s – are leaders in this area. They’ve placed 33 children with adoptive same sex carers in NSW since 2018. They facilitated the first ever LGBTQI adoptions in Australia back in 1985 by approving them as individuals.

“Barnardo’s warmly welcomes applicants from the LGBTQIA+ community and has a formal partnership with Rainbow Families to assist with educating and recruiting from the community,” a spokesperson said.

Others, while meaning well, miss the mark.

“We don’t specify information as to whether our adoptions are to same sex couples because it’s not important to us if they are or not, the most important element is the best interests of the child,” said Tabatha Feher from Life Without Barriers.

The sentiment is kind, but misguided. If you don’t measure these things, you can’t manage them. It’s important to collect information on sexual orientation and make it publicly available so we can assess if same-sex couples are getting a fair go.

They’re certainly not from two religious adoption agencies, which outright reject same-sex couples from adopting in NSW: Anglicare Sydney and Wesley Community Services.

They’re currently legally exempt from discrimination laws, despite being publicly funded – and that looks likely to continue given that the Prime Minister this month abandoned the Religious Discrimination Bill.

Members and allies of the LGBTQ+ community rallied after the passing of the Religious Discrimination Bill in 2022.

Earlier this year, it was reported that Anglicare Sydney refused to assess an Aboriginal woman as a long-term carer for her own niece – simply because she was a lesbian in a same-sex relationship.

The aunt had wanted to help because the baby’s mother struggled with addiction and an acquired brain injury. Anglicare Sydney sought to have the baby adopted to a non-Indigenous couple in a widely criticised move, given Australia’s abhorrent history of the Stolen Generation. The Public Interest Advocacy Centre described the case as a “shocking example of legalised homophobia”.

Anglicare Sydney says the reason they declined was because the maternal aunt’s probity check made her unsuitable as a carer.

The problem is that 43 private agencies facilitate adoption in NSW with a messy hotchpotch of conflicting policies on age limits, accepting individuals versus couples and sexual orientation. It all needs to be brought in line, if the needs of the child are truly paramount, as each agency will parrot.

Australia’s post marriage equality world needs to enter the 21st century if we’re truly going to give everyone a fair go.

Gary Nunn is a freelance journalist. Follow him on X @garynunn1

Originally published as ‘Backwards’: Australia’s same-sex adoption shame unveiled