How the Sandwich Generation is facing its ‘guilt-ridden juggle’ and what’s fuelling the phenomenon
From the ‘burbs to the bush there is a generation of mums who are struggling to find the right balance between work, kids and looking after their ageing parents.
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There is a growing cohort of Australian parents being stretched further than they’ve ever been before, fuelled by an ageing population and cost-of-living crisis.
The “Sandwich Generation” as they have been dubbed are those who are caring for their own kids as well as their elderly or sick parents, often with multiple generations living in the family home.
Typically they are Generation X women (born between 1965 and 1979), wedged between the Baby Boomers (1946 to 1964) and Millennials (1980 to 1994), who are also trying to balance a job while maintaining the household.
Leading social researcher Mark McCrindle points to “affordability challenges” as propelling “the Sandwich Generation phenomenon” as adult kids stay living in the family home for longer.
“So, what you end up with is parents still with dependent children well into their 20s right at the time that their own parents are getting elderly and are needing support … they’re really feeling the full brunt of the emotional and often also the time and financial pressure of being in that sandwich,” he said.
“These Gen Xers … are a generation who are less likely to utilise services to look after their parents; so if, for example, the lawn at their parents’ house needs mowing, they will go and mow it.”
Demographer Bernard Salt, in a report prepared for national online care platform Violet, is more blunt, describing an “unprecedented wave of ageing Australians”.
“Australia faces a demographic reckoning that we cannot ignore – five million Baby Boomers are marching toward their 80s, with the eldest turning 79 next year … our current care infrastructure is nowhere near ready for what’s coming”.
Violet founder and chief executive Melissa Reader, whose organisation provides emotional support and practical help to “navigate life’s final chapters” says it’s an issue that needs to be talked about.
“Our research shows 87 per cent of people find it really hard to talk about, plan for and navigate this stage of life … what that means is there’s a real lack of preparation and understanding around key decisions that have to be made,” she said.
Carers SA chief executive Julia Overton adds it is also important to recognise support is available for those in caring roles.
“Many people don’t actually understand they are a carer … (but) that dual responsibility (of looking after kids and parents) does place significant emotional, financial and physical strains on individuals,” she said.
“We know that people can really benefit from support … reaching out early before you’re in a crisis is the best approach.”
As an executive manager at the carer gateway provider, mum-of-two Helen Brown, 45, has a better understanding than most of the complexities of caring for multiple generations but still finds it a challenge at times.
For her life has become a constant, guilt-ridden juggle as she tries to balance raising her kids with caring for her ageing parents who live more than 200km away while being “fully committed” at work, candidly admitting some career aspirations have had to be postponed or realigned.
She regularly travels the five-hour round trip to spend the weekend with her 79-year-old mum and dad, 83, who she has chosen not to name but live with “significant chronic health conditions” as well as mobility issues.
That means time away from her own children – son Harvey, eight, and 11-year-old daughter Grace – and missing out on key moments at school and at extra-curricular activities which fall to husband Tom.
“It is a constant juggle, particularly when you know that you want to, and need to, be there for your parents who aren’t a 10-minute drive away … if I wake up in the early hours of the morning, or in the middle of the night, the first thing I do is check I haven’t missed a phone call to say (Mum or Dad) have had fall, or there’s been an emergency – it’s a daily thing,” she said.
“But you also want to be there for the kids; the reality is sometimes I have to make a choice but there is always someone who is going to be missing out (on my time) and that brings with it a sense of guilt.
“While it is very hard, I’m grateful that my parents are still alive and that my kids get to be around their grandparents and create memories with them.”
It is a sentiment Michelle Sanders, 54, can relate to.
For the past decade she has been juggling caring for ill or aged parents while raising children and working in the family business.
When her own kids, son Jesse, now 20, and daughter Jemima who is 15, were little she moved in for a short time with her parents to be with her mum who was in the final stages of a 13-year battle with cancer.
At different times since then her dad as well as her medico husband Prash’s mum and dad have been cared for in the family home.
Sadly, both her dad, diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and father-in-law, who suffered a stroke, have now passed away with her mother-in-law choosing several weeks ago to move into residential care due to worsening symptoms of Parkinson’s disease, a progressive degenerative neurological disorder.
Mrs Sanders admits it can be both challenging and tiring, factoring in everything from extra laundry and meal preparation to medical appointments and the logistics of modifying the home to accommodate things such as a wheelchair while ferrying kids to school, sport and extra-curricular activities and attending to regular household duties.
“It does get exhausting and at times you can feel incredibly stretched … you can be starting at 6.45am and going through to 11pm, giving your parents their medication and helping them get to bed,” she said.
“It can take a toll … children need to fit in with strict scheduling and work gets squeezed around other fixed time commitments and you do need to be creative in terms of how you make things work.
“There is less spontaneity; nothing can be done at the last minute … (you need to) arrange an alternative for care just to have a simple meal out.”
Mrs Sanders says the shift in family dynamics can be emotionally draining for each generation.
“You feel you need to be the strong one as your parents are dealing with grief and anxiety … everything is different for them, (they have) lost their health and their home.
“(At the same time) you are dealing with the frustration of kids when they need to take second place at times, or need to do extra work to help.”
But she says the effort of caring for ageing loved ones at home is well worth it, with the entire family benefiting from the close intergenerational connection and lessons that come with it.
“We’ve always said, if we can, we want to do this … but not everyone is privileged enough, or has the resources to do so; I see a lot of people … feeling guilty when they’re not in a position to be able to take on an additional caring role.
“In my view, it is actually harder when (mum or dad) are in care and you need to go and visit – we’ve had the blessing of having our parents just fit in with our everyday life.”
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