How Paul Gleeson looks after mental health after tragic deaths

Paul Gleeson lost his dad and best friend to suicide. He shares how he looks after his own mental health.

My best friend died 37 years ago, and not long after that, my dad did too.

Authorities believed both deaths were self-inflicted.

I understood Dad’s death — he had bipolar disorder and a severe head injury.

Around the 1956 Melbourne Olympics, Dad was a young police constable patrolling the streets of Melbourne.

One day, a drunk driver crossed double lines and ploughed into Dad’s van, slamming his forehead into the front windscreen.

His cognitive pathways were forever altered.

Vulnerable and heightened, he became an easy target for the drink of the day, VB.

His alcohol consumption fuelled his depression.

When the drink did not dominate, he was a beautiful man — taking us kids to the drive-ins, driving me to my footy and basketball games, telling dad jokes, and singing 1950s show tunes.

I saw him five days before he died, in 1990.

We were on the outskirts of Geelong, and he was driving me home when I noticed a six-pack of VB hidden under the passenger seat.

Two were missing, and I was telling off my dad.

I thought I was so mature, taking charge of the situation, but I knew nothing — nothing

about bipolar, alcoholism, frontal lobe injuries, or his life.

I was so angry with him … to my forever regret, I got out, slamming the door.

I could see he was sad, but still I watched his broken-down car, the dust, and faraway eyes leave.

Just as his tail-lights were disappearing, so was my agitation, and I ran after him.

He had no idea and sped up.

I just wanted to be with him, to try and understand him, to have that time I’d always wanted with him for all those wasted years that we were in the same house but never really talked.

It was too late.

My best friend Tony had his whole life ahead of him, and had recently turned 23.

I have one picture of us together, taken six months before his death in 1988, where we’re photographed singing together as if we actually could.

Staring at the photo, I remembered how good it felt to be close to him, mainly as we had not spoken much recently – not like we used to.

Now, I understand there were emotions he could not express.

At the time of his death, he was at a crossroads — not only soon to be wed but also about to leave the RAAF.

The last time I saw him was eight days before he died.

I knew something was up and blurted out, in a very unmanly manner, “Love you, mate.”

According to Lifeline, an average of nine Australians die by suicide each day.

Seventy five per cent of people who die by suicide are men.

Nowadays, I am part of a local Men’s Table group, a not-for-profit community organisation

founded in 2011 in Sydney.

Writer Paul Gleeson. Picture: Supplied

Currently, there are about 200 tables across Australia.

Its mission is to provide a safe place for men to share.

Each member gets a turn to have the floor during monthly meetings, and is encouraged to go beyond discussing events and instead talk about what is going on with him — his emotional state.

Writer Paul Gleeson. Picture: Supplied

I only wish Tony and Dad had a place like that.

I am fortunate to have the support of a great partner, a group of mates I know I can reach

out to, the Men’s Table, Buddhism, and a doctor I trust.

I also know that being fortunate is not enough.

I need to stay vigilant, watch my alcohol consumption, meditate, exercise, and connect.

Memories of Tony and Dad have been like a jolt of jumper leads, jump-starting me into the real conversations I need to have with the men in my life.

I dreamt of those two men, rising and reacting as I step up to engage with the males in my life.

Both were shouting at me: “About bloody time.”

Can We Talk? is a News Corp awareness campaign, in partnership with Medibank, helping Australian families better tackle mental wellbeing. To follow the series and access all stories, tips and advice, visit our new Health section.

Paul Gleeson in a writer and teacher based on the Bellarine Peninsula in Victoria

Originally published as How Paul Gleeson looks after mental health after tragic deaths