I was only married for three years before my husband got dementia

Vicki Barry had only been married for three years before her husband Mike was diagnosed with dementia. She cared for him for the next 14 years before this very difficult decision.

I had been a single mum for 12 years before I met my husband, Michael.

Mike and I had only been married for three years before he was diagnosed with younger onset dementia at aged 60.

It wasn’t the life that I was expecting when we got married.

I first started noticing signs when familiar and enjoyable tasks for him, such as cooking, became difficult.

Mike is a great cook and his signature dish was a vegetable stir fry.

I can recall he would be looking for the soy sauce in the pantry and asking where it was, when it was right in front of him.

Then more things started to happen like leaving keys behind or leaving his glasses in restaurants.

Vicki and Mike at the gym together.

These small things started to add up and I thought there’s definitely something going on.

In the beginning I had no idea what I was dealing with and no one took me seriously.

I’m a health professional and even I found it tricky to navigate the space and get the support and care that I needed to help Mike.

I cared for Mike at home for almost 14 years after his diagnosis before he transitioned into permanent residential care.

I started to see the effects of caring long term for Mike on my own health and could no longer care for him full time.

I always promised myself that if I ever started to feel resentful about my role of caring, then it would be time to stop.

A vegetable stir fry was Mike's speciality.

My advice for other carers is don’t be afraid to ask for help.

When you do ask for help, be specific so people know how they can help you.

Also try and find the enjoyment and keep doing the things you like doing.

I believe that the sooner you can come to terms with what’s going on and start to deal with it, the better off you’ll be.

You need to know what you’re dealing with to understand how you can manage it.

I really recommend sitting down and getting advance care planning organised.

It was really important for me to understand what Mike wanted and I didn’t want my own opinions to affect future decisions.

I have no idea what the future holds but I always say there is a mastery and mystery to life.

There’s power and wisdom in our own experience of dementia and supporting our loved ones, which is why I want to share my story with others going through similar situations.

If this story has prompted any questions or concerns, please call the National Dementia Helpline on 1800 100 500 (24 hours, 7 days a week) or visit dementia.org.au.

Originally published as I was only married for three years before my husband got dementia