James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: Guy dumps all TV girlfriends, leaves alone

After going missing, one of the blokes on Farmer Wants A Wife returns to dump everyone and quit. James Weir recaps.

An entire harem of women is dumped and flown back to the big smoke on a Rex flight during Tuesday’s episode of Farmer Wants A Wife after one of the stockmen decides he can’t give up the true love of his life: pineapples.

It’s a tale as old as time.

Boy meets girls. Girls fall in love with boy. Boy gets frustrated that girls don’t seem to understand his pineapple crop takes priority. Girls are given the flick by the disgusted boy – as if they’re simply chunks of pineapple on a Hawaiian pizza.

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With the finale right around the corner, our farmers set off on their last dates. They’ll soon be tasked with whittling down their flocks from three to two to one. But farmer Bert has a secret. He wants to get rid of the flock entirely.

He ditches the final dates. Suddenly, he’s missing. The girls are left wondering what’s wrong. They could feel something was off. For days now, Bert’s demeanour has been spiky — like the pineapples in the paddock where he has isolated himself.

Nothing’s more intimate than the bond between a man and his pineapple.

“Coming into this experience, I was looking for someone to share my life with. I think all the girls are wonderful. But … I don’t have what it takes to be in a relationship right now,” he tells us while staring out at his beloved pineapples.

“Um … I just don’t have the … yeah … emotional time to be the person people are deserving of. I just don’t have the time.”

It’s like the old adage goes: the only thing more demanding than a harem full of reality TV girlfriends is a field full of pineapples.

“The fruit is not gonna pick itself,” Bert declares.

So true. You should get that as a tattoo.

As night falls, the girls start to worry. They sit down at the dinner table and wait. Karli has even made her famous salad in an attempt to lure Bert back.

Bert’s gonna miss these famous salads.

When he eventually stumbles in, he’s pale and smells of pineapple juice.

“At this point, the experience is gonna end for us,” he tells them. “I just don’t think I can keep going in this experience.”

Karli takes it the hardest. She has been waking up at the crack of dawn for weeks now, diligently fake tanning and straightening her hair. All that hard yakka for nothin’.

If it’s any consolation, Bert’s towels and bed linen are probably now permanently stained from all that tan?

One big question looms: Why sign up for a show to find love if you don’t want a relationship?

“I was fully open to the idea of falling in love,” Bert insists. “I was. I guess, along the way, the stress of it all, the workload, everything, just got too much. Before I start a relationship with somebody I wanna be happy with the farm, happy with my life.”

The girls are escorted to the D-MAX and it speeds away down the Bruce Highway. They’ll never eat pineapple again.

‘Get out of my house and off my acreage.’

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: Guy dumps all TV girlfriends, leaves alone