Bachelorette contestants’ bizarre bios: ‘Occupation? Tickle monster’

THE internet is having a field day with the contestant bios for the new US season of the Bachelorette. Where on earth did they find these guys?

SOPHIE Monk, you may have reason to be nervous.

The latest US season of The Bachelorette is about to air in America, and in preparation for the dating show’s kick-off, headshots and bios for each of the contestants have been posted online.

They’re... quite a mixed bunch.

Among a field of more than 30 guys, at least half of whom look like they should be named ‘Chud’, let’s break down the 12 weirdest website Q&A answers given by those vying for US Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay’s heart:

Diggy. Picture: Getty

Grant. Picture: Getty

GRANT

What is your most embarrassing moment? “I once had a stomach bug in Peru and had to defecate in a cut-open 2-liter Coke bottle in the back of a tour bus.”

We admire your honesty Grant, but perhaps you could’ve gone for your second most embarrassing moment. Hot tip: When attempting to impress a potential romantic partner, try and avoid using the word ‘defecate’.

DIGGY

Tell us a fun story about a one-night stand. “I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!”

OMG Diggy that is such a fun story! How long was her brother missing for? Did they ever find him? Was he alive or dead? Again, so fun!!!!

Dean. Picture: Getty

Jamey. Picture: Getty

JAMEY

Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she deserves that title: “I do not have female friends.”

This is just ... a very unsettling answer, Jamey. As is your spelling of the name ‘Jamie.’ Have you ever met a human woman? They can be quite friendly.

DEAN

What does being married mean to you? “I think marriage is an institutionalised sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it’s a lifelong commitment.”

These are PERFECT wedding vows, Dean!

Jonathan. Picture: Getty

Adam. Picture: Getty

ADAM

What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? “Threesome. It was my birthday.”

How long do you think it takes Adam to bring up the prospect of a threesome on a first date? Before the entree? Do you think he just brings a second woman along and has her wait in the car in case the lucky lady says yes?

JONATHAN

Occupation? “Tickle monster.”

*screams into pillow*

Milton: Getty

Mohit. Picture: Getty

MOHIT

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? “One word: Tabasco.”

OOH Mohit this sounds SUPER-SEXY and we’re glad we’re not the only ones around here who enjoy the SENSUAL PLEASURES of eating BURRITOS IN BED

MILTON

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? “Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.”

When she gives him a rose, he’s gonna give her his headshot, isn’t he?

Bryce. Picture: Getty

Fred. Picture: Getty

FRED

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? “Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.”

What’s Fred’s occupation, I hear you ask? Victoria’s Secret backstage dresser? Strip club manager? Goddamn Tickle Monster? Nope, he’s an executive assistant. Remember: It’s important to love what you do (but not to the point of arousal).

BRYCE

What’s your biggest date fear? “The chick is actually a dude.”

THERE IT IS, WE FOUND THE WORST GUY, EVERYONE GO HOME NOW PLEASE.

We’ll see our own next Bachelorette Sophie Monk on the next season of the show, airing on Ten later this year. Let’s hope they’re mustering up a higher standard of dudes for you, Soph.

Originally published as Bachelorette contestants’ bizarre bios: ‘Occupation? Tickle monster’