‘Obviously manipulated’: Chaos engulfing Harry and Meghan tour exposed

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are set to start a highly-publicised tour this week – and things have already descended into chaos.

In 2012, Colombia launched its own “Where the bloody hell are you?”-type tourism campaign with the slogan “the only risk is wanting to stay”, an awkward wink to its image as being a cocaine-encrusted hotbed of drugs, guns and guerrilla-sorts who like nothing more than to kidnap a journalist or 54. (That’s the actual number of reporters who have gone missing or been killed in the last two decades).

I can’t decide if two particular tourists set to arrive in the South American nation this week – Prince Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex – are more or less at “risk of wanting to stay”.

On Thursday, the Sussexes will embark on their latest DIY, put-together-with-an-Allen-key “royal” tour, and only hours out, the wheels appear to be in danger of coming off.

Today, questions are mounting – like, who is running the show for the couple? Who is paying the costs? And what sort of reception, aside from the giddy one from the “Visit Colombia” marketing team, will they actually get?

(And all of this is even before the duchess has had a chance to put her fluent Spanish into action or see Harry incongruously delivering cheery “Holas!” with an Etonian twang).

First off the bat, the Daily Mail has revealed that, after only three months in the job, Harry’s chief of staff Josh Kettler has “suddenly quit”. Kettler, a former exec at Patagonia (the clothing company, not the mountainous Argentinian region) was a “key figure” during the Sussexes’ highly successful Nigeria dupe of a royal tour in May.

Meghan and Harry pictured during their highly successful Nigeria dupe of a royal tour in May. Picture: Kola Sulaimon/AFP

According to the Daily Mail, “much intrigue” surrounds Kettler’s departure after only the briefest of tenures.

All of which sounds akin to boarding a long-haul flight to Europe, only to have the captain change his mind and walk off the job on the air bridge. Erm, who is going to fly the thing?

The Mail got hold of a former Sussex staff member who offered a less-than-flattering picture of life inside their camp: “I don’t think I heard a single current or former employee on their staff say they would take the job again if given the chance.

“These aren’t employees they had just found off the streets,” the former staffer said.

“Many of them are people who had previously excelled working for demanding bosses in high-performance companies and environments.”

Then let us talk dinero, because I know how to use Google Translate. Given the Duke and Duchess were invited by the country’s Vice President Francia Marquez, then you’d have to assume that their security will be handled by the government.

But that still leaves the cost of their flights and accommodation and it’s hard to see the duo and their retinue travelling via budget airline and cheerily making do with the Bogotá Best Western while sticking to a strict per diem.

Once these logistic hurdles have been managed, it sounds like there is something of a question mark over what sort of welcome Harry and Meghan will get from Colombians.

“Most citizens have little interest in the British Royal Family and may not even know who the couple are,” a journalist working in the region has told the Telegraph’s Hannah Furness.

(Clearly Colombia is not a nation busy staying up-to-date on breaking news in the jam industry).

‘There is something of a question mark over what sort of welcome Harry and Meghan will get from Colombians’. Picture: CBS Sunday Morning

‘Most citizens have little interest in the British Royal Family and may not even know who the couple are’. Picture: Kola Sulaimon/AFP

Even those locals well versed in the shenanigans of Crown Inc and its most famous exiles reportedly aren’t exactly jazzed about Harry and Meghan’s arrival.

According to the Mail, “for many Colombians, the Sussexes’ visit is viewed as little more than a cynical attempt by a failing left wing government to use the glamorous couple as ‘political pawns’ to divert attention from a series of scandals that have engulfed the regime”.

A prominent Bogotá lawyer also told the Mail: “I’m sure Meghan and Harry mean well, but everyone here is talking about how obviously they are being manipulated.

“Of course, their star-power will be used to bring attention to poor people and certain areas of culture in Colombia … but the reality is the Colombian government has been drowning in scandal since it came in two years ago. They need something to appease people at home and make them look good abroad.”

(Bread and circuses and Dukes and Duchesses, anyone?)

Back in the UK, the royal family, off on their hols and having marked the Glorious 12th (the start of the hunting season), does not seem particularly troubled by the duke and duchess’ international plans. According to the Telegraph, “the lack of crisis meetings at the palace” around this trip is “notable after years of drama”.

The royals are apparently unbothered by the Sussexes’ plans. Picture: Henry Nicholls/AFP

A source familiar with the British Foreign Office, which actually arranges proper royal tours, has described the Sussexes’ Colombia trip to the Telegraph as “‘utterly irrelevant’ to British interests abroad”.

The UK’s export industry (which is what? Hard cheeses, Bake Off and Rover estate cars?) might not be all aflutter about them descending on Bogotá, Cartagena and Cali but for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, this trip will be a chance to bolster their key charity interests.

Colombia is the only country in the region to send a team to the Invictus Games while gender equality and the environment will also reportedly fit into the picture somewhere too.

After the backlash to Harry being honoured with the Pat Tillman award last month and Meghan’s lifestyle brand American Riviera Orchard having mysteriously failed to materialise, they could do with a nice, healthy dose of bubbly, positive press. Which is to say, photos of them being energetically hugged by schoolchildren wouldn’t go astray right now.

So, let’s hope they have lots of buena suerte this week – good luck – and that nobody is sick of me relying on Google Translate yet.

It could be a long few days for everyone.

Daniela Elser is a writer, editor and a royal commentator with more than 15 years’ experience working with a number of Australia’s leading media titles.

Originally published as ‘Obviously manipulated’: Chaos engulfing Harry and Meghan tour exposed