‘This happened to me’: The unexpected upside to a relationship breakdown

‘Is it time to let go?’ Leaning on Lena Dunham’s Too Much and a new book, our writer reveals how to find the unexpected upside of a relationship breakdown.

High-school sweethearts sound like the beginning of a love story, until you’re lying next to someone you’ve known half your life, and realise you no longer have anything in common. The memories you once clung to, wrapped in the warm glow of nostalgia, feel as distant and faded as the old printed photos of when you first met.

The things you used to love doing together have become echoes, not anchors. Forever felt like a hopeful promise and now it’s a cage.

These realisations are quietly heartbreaking. There’s no fiery argument or anyone who did something unforgivable to blame. Simply, they’ve changed, and so have you. It’s devastating when neither go in the same direction.

Is it time to let go?

‘Lying next to someone you’ve known half your life’ … Netflix hit Too Much gives a captivating glimpse into the upside of relationship breakdowns, says Holly Brunnbauer.

Breakups are rarely tidy. Especially when they happen with someone you have a shared history with – someone who knew you before you even knew yourself. It’s a goodbye to them and your past self.

It’s easy to panic in this moment and shrug it off. We’ve grown up on love stories that finish with a happily ever after – I should know, I’m a romance author. But those stories always end during the honeymoon period. We don’t see the way resentment builds when one person leaves their drenched towel on the floor every single day, or how their cute snore becomes so irritating they consider sleeping in separate bedrooms.

The spark fizzles out and yet we stay and live unhappily ever after. Why? Because it’s ingrained in us that breakups are failures instead of fresh starts.

But there’s an unexpected upside going from a we to a me. When the dust settles, there’s room to meet yourself again. The real you. The one you’ve suppressed to accommodate someone else.

‘A raw take on a tried-and-true premise’ … Meg Stalter as Jessica in Too Much. Credit: Netflix.

If you’ve flicked on Netflix lately, you would’ve stumbled across Lena Dunham’s co-created series Too Much. It’s a raw take on a tried-and-true premise: heartbroken woman flees to London and meets a tortured musician. The audience trauma-watches as Jessica, our messy lead, rebuilds her life and falls in love.

Through flashbacks, we glimpse the long-term relationship she’s grieving. One that’s hard to let go of because she liked who she was when she was loved. The same relationship that cruelly chipped away at the person she needs to be in order to live authentically – which is ultimately too much.

What’s so captivating about the series (besides Jessica’s genuine love of granny nighties) is the revelation that the end of a relationship can actually be the beginning of you.

It’s a theme I felt compelled to explore in my debut novel. What Did I Miss? follows a woman who marries (and later divorces) her high-school dud, only to find herself staring down the barrel of thirty, craving all the things she missed in her twenties.

‘Your story isn’t over’ … Holly Brunnbauer. Credit: Jess Worrall

Plans are derailed when a one-night stand won’t stay gone, forcing the protagonist to question what happens when you meet someone special before truly knowing yourself.

While the story is fictional, the emotional reality clearly isn’t. I wake up to daily DMs from readers that say, ‘This happened to me!’ I always reply to check in, and every time, they tell me the same thing: it was awful, but I’m so much happier now.

Sometimes the bravest thing we can do isn’t moving on, it’s moving inward. Breakups aren’t failures, they’re plot twists. Detours. Turning points that lead us back to ourselves. Whether you’re an author or not, maybe it’s time to change the narrative. Because your story isn’t over. Not even close. It’s just the beginning of a new chapter – one where you get to be the main character.

‘While the story is fictional, the emotional reality isn’t’ … What Did I Miss? by Holly Brunnbauer

What Did I Miss? by Holly Brunnbauer is available now, published by HarperCollins.

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Originally published as ‘This happened to me’: The unexpected upside to a relationship breakdown