Bec Sparrow says social media ban a chance to teach kids to form real friendships

Friendship expert Bec Sparrow says the social media ban for under-16s presents a golden opportunity to teach children how to form genuine relationships again.

Bec Sparrow has been talking to young people about friendship for two decades.

In that time, the ‘friendship whisperer’ has witnessed the destructive impact of social media on children’s ability to form genuine friendships.

Ms Sparrow says the incoming social media ban presents a golden opportunity to teach young people how to create everlasting friendships and reverse the loneliness trend.

“Friendship is hard and definitely messy at times,” Ms Sparrow said.

“But it’s the number one thing that leads to a fulfilling life and it’s something we need to teach children how to form.

“Social media friendships are not real — they’re performative.

“It has taught kids their self-worth is indexed by the number of likes they get.

Bec Sparrow is an author and friendship expert. Picture: Supplied

“Friendship isn’t likes and followers.

“True friendship are those ‘ride or die’ friends — the ones who will always have your back.”

Ms Sparrow has written books and hosted podcasts about friendships.

She has also talked in schools for over 20 years, originally about friendship, but increasingly about social media.

Ms Sparrow said her audience has become younger and younger. 

The eSafety Commission found 80 per cent of Australian children aged 8-12 used one or more social media services. Picture: Getty Images

“Back in 2016-17, I delivered a talk called “Before you hit send” to teenagers and parents,” she said.

“I joked back then I would be speaking to kids in Year 6 in a couple of years.

“I was wrong — I’m now speaking with students in Years 2 and 3.”

The author said the conversations have also changed dramatically.

“The difference I have seen with social media is I now have to go in and explicitly teach kids how to make friends,” Ms Sparrow said.

“I teach them how to be a good friend and how to resolve conflict.

“It’s fascinating to me that I now have to explicitly teach it.”

Ms Sparrow said exhausted and stressed parents are part of the problem too.

“Somewhere along the line as parents we stopped modelling friendship too,” she said.

“The reality is, in most families both parents are working and exhausted.

“We’re parenting in a way we were never meant to — we don’t have that support of the ‘tribe’.

“And parents are exhausted — they get home and disappear into their phone or sit in front of Netflix.

Ms Sparrow said exhausted parents are part of the problem. Picture: Getty Images

“So our kids aren’t seeing friendship being modelled to them as much as it was when we were growing up.

“I remember seeing my parents throwing dinner parties or being in a tennis group.”

Ms Sparrow said this, in combination with social media, is leading to a lonely generation.

“The demographic with the highest rate of loneliness is 18 to 25 year olds,” she said.

“It used to be elderly people.

“Why is that?

“Because once you leave school, you’re no longer forced to be around peers and we have a generation who have failed to build that friendship muscle.

Young people are increasingly struggling to form genuine friendships. Picture: Getty Images

“When you just generate friendship online, it leaves you feeling hollow.”

Ms Sparrow insisted it’s not all doom and gloom, arguing the ban on under-16s using social media will drive young people back toward face-to-face friendships.

“I think this is an amazing opportunity,” she said.

“As a society we are getting lonelier.

“And a large part of that is due to devices and social media.

“I’m not expecting the delay (social media ban) to be perfect, but we have to start somewhere and it’s a work in progress.

“We can’t let perfect be the enemy of the good.”

Ms Sparrow’s message to parents is to seize the opportunity and fill the vacuum left by social media.

“Let’s reframe this as an opportunity to address the balance and change the landscape for our kids,” she said.

“I’m hoping we will see more opportunities, activities and clubs that get kids out of their bedrooms and socialising in person.”

Ms Sparrow said she hoped youth and religious groups, sporting clubs and councils would fill the voids.

“In Brisbane, councils run amazing programs for the elderly — we need to see that for young people too.

Ms Sparrow is calling on parents and organisations to fill the vacuum left by social media. Picture: Supplied

“As we take something away with one hand, we need to replace it with something better.

“So I’m putting the call out for organisations such as councils to step up and offer our young people something to do.”

Ms Sparrow had another message to children anxious about the ban.

“Social media is not the platform to build friendships,” she said.

“You can be friendly with people on social media, but the truth is everyone wants and needs one or two ‘ride or die’ friends who have their back.

“If you want those friends you need to put the work in.

“Clicking like or love heart reacting is not how you build a friendship.

“You can have 500 followers on Instagram, but if none of them care about you, then that’s not friendship.

“Friendship is showing up for each other.

“It’s being with people in person.”

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Originally published as Bec Sparrow says social media ban a chance to teach kids to form real friendships