How to talk to tweens about puberty, sex and consent – Michelle Mitchell’s guide for parents
Parents are waiting too long for 'the talk' while their tweens piece together dangerous myths about sex and relationships from social media and friends.
The Australian eSafety commissioner has called 9 to 12-year-olds strikingly vulnerable – and for good reason. A landfill of research confirms that tweens encounter sexualised content well before they are ready to make sense of it.
Many have already stumbled across, or have been shown, pornography. They are stitching together a patchwork of myths and half-truths that are quietly shaping the way they see themselves and relationships.
Yet, while this is their reality, many parents are still waiting for the right moment to have “the chat” – a conversation that now stretches far beyond the birds and the bees and is worlds apart from the conversation our parents ever tackled.
Every moment we wait leaves more space for TikTok, YouTube or their friends to step in with second-hand information.
If you feel out of your depth in these conversations, you’re not alone. Most of us grew up with a rushed school talk about anatomy, a stern parental warning or a hope we’d just figure it out.
But today’s landscape is different, and so is our job. We have to show up for our kids early and often. No influencer, algorithm or peer will ever have the same credibility or heart you do.
Here are my tips to help you be the go-to person your tween trusts most to help them navigate this stage of life. These tips are designed to help you build connection and infuse safety, choice and joy into every conversation. Growing up should be fun, so let’s lift any shame or fear that might surround these topics.
Be the source
Any resource you give your tween should be an extension, not a replacement, of you. While books can be incredibly helpful, parents should still take charge of tailoring content and stamping their family values all over it. Try saying, “I have read this book, and I think you might like it. Want to read it together, or check it out by yourself first? Page 148 is pretty funny. It was my favourite!”
Take the lead
We often tell kids to come to us if they have questions. While that sounds good in theory, we can’t assume they actually will. It’s a lot to place that responsibility on their shoulders. Instead, be prepared to go to them. Swap “Do you have any questions?” for “What questions do you have?” This subtle shift in language implies that questions are normal.
I also ask them to make a deal that is they have any tough questions or feelings, they talk to someone older – not just a friend. Try saying, “Friends are great for playing computer games with, but they’re not always so great at answering life’s important questions.”
Master your poker face
We want our tweens to feel safe bringing us their most embarrassing questions. Some will be so endearing they might make us smile, but this is when we need to master our poker face. If they sense our laughter, it could shut them down.
If they have a tricky question, and you are the one who is embarrassed or don’t have a confident answer, buy yourself some time! Try saying, “7.16pm tonight, I’ll have the most brilliant answer!”
Normalise changes
It’s not uncommon for tweens to hide body changes, sexual feelings, or even how their conversations with friends are evolving. We want them to know that they will all sorts of things, some which will be true and some which won’t.
Try saying, “I can see how quickly you are growing up. I’m now officially your safe place – your confidant! That’s my official job description. I will always feel proud of you for communicating, even if it’s tricky stuff.”
Go at their pace
These conversations can be uncomfortable for some kids. Start slow and lower your expectations. Aim for an “OK” rather than “fantastic” response. You might say, “If we are going to have grown-up conversations, we may as well make them memorable! I think hot chocolate and dunking biscuits would be the perfect addition. Do you have a better suggestion?”
For some kids, a shared journal can help them ask more sensitive questions in a less confronting way. Try saying, “Let’s use this book, and have a strict 48-hour turnaround time. Leave it on my pillow and I’ll then leave it on yours!”
Break it down
Consider “the chat” like one hundred short well-timed chats. These series of chats may end up best placed within your routine trips to school or sports. Car chats are simply the best, aren’t they?! You might even consider creating a menu of topics which are inclusive of puberty, sex, consent, body image, and safety, that your tween can pick from. Try saying, “What topic would you like to talk about today?”
Include your values
It’s easy to talk about facts like growth spurts, periods and pubic hair or the mechanics of sex, but sidestep the values that underpin respectful relationships. These values are essential for physical and psychological safety.
Relationships come with rights and responsibilities, and each person is the boss of their body. Try saying, “There is so much more to know about sex than what you might hear at school. You deserve to hear all about it when you are ready.”
Parents, you are the expert. Believe it. When you have confidence in yourself, your tween will have confidence in you. You know them better than anyone else. Every child’s readiness is shaped by factors like IQ, maturity, temperament, life experience and even birth order.
In many ways, and often without realising it, we’ve been having these conversations with our kids since the day they were born. However, around 10 is a good general age for what I call an “information update”. Tweens are typically ready for conversations at more advanced cognitive level. Having an age-appropriate book that represents your family values, and tween’s needs, is a great way for many parents to start.
Michelle Mitchell is the author of A Girl’s Guide to Puberty; A Guy’s Guide to Puberty; Where Do Babies Come From & other questions 8-12 year olds ask. You can find Michelle here: www.michellemitchell.org | Instagram: @michellemitchell.author | Facebook: @michellemitchellspeaker
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Originally published as How to talk to tweens about puberty, sex and consent – Michelle Mitchell’s guide for parents
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