Angela Mollard: How to set our teenagers up for success

If adolescence is to recover the ancient power which moulded the greats of history, then we must return to a wild world that tests and shapes our teens, writes Angela Mollard.

William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson in the 1995 film Braveheart) was 27 years old when he became Guardian of Scotland.

It’s a story I’m hearing over and over.

Parents who themselves showed gumption and grit now despairing that their adolescent and early 20-something kids are failing to launch.

Here’s a mum: “My daughter’s at university in Melbourne and even though a friend told her there were part-time jobs going at a local restaurant, my daughter didn’t get off her butt and take her CV in. Now the positions have been filled and we’re continuing to pay her rent and living expenses.”

And a dad: “I love that our grown-up kids come on holiday with us and often bring their partners but we fund all of it even though they have full-time jobs. I wish they’d stump up for a meal occasionally.”

Another mum: “My son is working full time but has recently moved back home to save money. He’s living in our granny flat which has a full kitchen but instead of buying food he raids our fridge.”

Young people should be allowed to grow into their true selves, building a strong sense of capability and belief in their own potential.

And another: “I had my own flat, a cat, a full-time job and savings at 21 yet my own daughter still lives at home and has never cleaned a toilet. She’ll make a meal but only if I order Marley Spoon.”

Oh, and another dad: “I paid off the $8000 my daughter racked up on a credit card and she’s now paying me back but what has she learned? I fear I’ve made it too easy for her.”

This is not a whinge about “today’s young people”.

Rather, it’s a growing refrain from parents who are not only concerned about their kids but fearful they may be enablers of their offspring’s prolonged adolescence.

It’s something I thought about as I stood atop the Wallace Monument in Scotland this week. It’s an incredible building but what struck me was how young William Wallace was when he fought for his country, seeing off the English at the Battle of Stirling Bridge in 1297. Portrayed by Mel Gibson in Braveheart, Wallace was just 27 when he became Guardian of Scotland, overseeing the military and the nation’s affairs.

Joan of Arc was similarly precocious, convincing the King of France to let her lead troops when she was just 17.

Alexander the Great was in his 20s when he built one of the largest empires in history, Mary Shelley began writing Frankenstein at 18, publishing at 20, while Charles Darwin was obsessively collecting shells and beetles in his teens and by 28 was jotting down notes that would later form On the Origin of Species.

William Wordsworth and John Keats, meanwhile, were knocking
out poetry in their teens which is just as well since the latter fell victim to tuberculosis and died at 25.

Parents are wondering why their teenagers or young adult children aren’t self-starters.

While short life expectancy meant if you wanted to achieve something great or meaningful you needed to get a hurry on, I don’t think longevity is the only reason today’s teenagers are languishing in their extended adolescence.

It’s not that they’re not competent – plenty are.

Rather I suspect self-sufficiency and capability are sparked through testing yourself in the elements of the external world rather than the paralysis that comes from focusing too much on the internal.

You only learn you’re strong if you’re afforded an opportunity to test yourself.

And whereas adolescence was once an apprenticeship in the natural world, today’s teens largely dwell in interior landscapes where they fight their fiercest battles with social media, gaming and the churn of their own minds.

Teens once battled the elements of wind, mountains, sleet and rock, finding beauty and escape in daffodils and lakes as Wordsworth captured.

Teenager’s should be given opportunities to learn how to be independent, and brave. This will serve them in their adult years.

They had to calculate the tides before crossing lands and fuel themselves by food caught or trapped, not delivered by UberEats.

It’s a concept author Matt Richtel explores in How We Grow Up: Understanding Adolescence where he argues that the teenage brain is biologically wired for exploration risk and testing of self and the world rather than the introspection which he says has led to “Generation Rumination”.

As he explains, today’s adolescents now face a “neurological mismatch” where early puberty leads to the collision between the still-developing brain, technology designed to be addictive and an industry that profits from devouring our attention.

“Generation Rumination is growing up in the realm of the mind and psyche,” he writes. “Asking why some are struggling is like asking why some adolescents of yesteryear skinned their knees and broke their bones while trekking over a mountain to explore new terrain.”

So what can we do as we watch our teens in their ruminative chambers become ever more reliant, anxious and immobilised?

We can support the social media ban but we can also create opportunities for them to not just encounter the natural world but submerge themselves in it.

Kids need to cross rivers, catch fish, throw rocks and sleep under the stars, sometimes far from an adult eye.

If adolescence is to recover its ancient power, the sort which saw Wallace et al pulse with self-belief and capability, then we must return them to the wild world that tests and shapes them.

Ange’s a-list

Nut worthy

Pistachios are having a moment, blended into a paste in the famous “Dubai” chocolate and now showing up in flavoured coffees. But you can’t beat Donna Hay’s fabulous slow-cooked lamb with pistachio honey dressing. Google it – I’ve been making it for years.

Booker longlisted

I’d heard great things about Benjamin Wood’s Seascraper and have just started listening to it.
So far it’s wonderful, a story of the confines of class and the drive for creativity set on the English coast.

Originally published as Angela Mollard: How to set our teenagers up for success