Being possessive doesn’t mean he cares: Schools need to teach young women to recognise relationship ‘green flags’
Social media is full of advice about toxic relationships – but experts say schools must start teaching young women vital life lessons about ‘green flags’ as they start dating.
Too many girls have never been shown what a healthy, respectful relationship should look like. They might think that being checked up on 24/7 is a sign of caring. Or that jealousy and possessiveness means love. Or they think they need to stay quiet and tolerate certain things just to keep the peace.
In our programs, so many young women tell us they feel objectified, dismissed when they try to set boundaries, or unsure about whether someone’s intentions are genuine or manipulative.
Even more alarming, a large number of girls are experiencing unhealthy, sometimes violent relationships before they’ve even finished school.
We can and do teach them the red flags, but what’s missing is that they’re not also being taught all the relationship green flags as well.
So what are relationship green flags? First of all, they’re signs that show you your relationship is safe, respectful, and empowering.
They’re the opposite of possessiveness and feeling like you have to walk on eggshells. They give you the space you need to express yourself, say no to what doesn’t feel right, and be supported and loved for who you are.
Specifically these things can include:
■ Celebrating your wins instead of sulking or feeling threatened;
■ Owning up when they’ve messed up;
■ Listening to and respecting your boundaries;
■ Discussing with kindness when you’re being unreasonable or unfair.
The big one is teaching girls to recognise and be honest about their feelings so they can find a relationship where they feel valued and heard. They learn to use their voice to determine how their community can show up for them in the ways they need.
There are three key areas that every girl should know about. These are:
■ Possessive behaviour is not the same as caring;
■ Harmful ways society makes us question the victim through victim-blaming instead of focusing on the perpetrator;
■ Always listening to their intuition and that of their friends.
All of these are conversations that girls desperately need to have, and they should be taking place in an environment of safety where community and the mutual support of the sisterhood is giving them the opportunity to learn.
They need safe, interactive, fun spaces where they can open up about their experiences, sometimes even for the first time. That’s what sisterhood is all about.
Shockingly, there is so much short-form media content that pits girls and boys against each other and creates a culture where disrespectful behaviour is normalised.
We hear all the heartbreaking stories where boys would comment about girls’ appearances, or band together to undermine and shut down any push back from their intended target. And while not all guys are like this, too many of the good ones stay silent instead of stepping in as allies during these critical moments. That’s another story…
Think back to all the things you wish school had actually taught you. Not algebra or essay writing, but the real-life stuff like how to navigate friendships, love, heartbreak and all the things in between.
Everyone has these confusing “is this normal or not” moments, but when you’re a young person you may not always know who to turn to for answers.
By starting the conversation early, in schools, at homes and through community initiatives, we need to plant the seeds for young women to build healthy relationships that go far beyond the classroom.
I’m sure even every parent’s vision and hopes are simple for their young girls. A world where every girl and woman is safe to be herself, offered a seat at the table and surrounded by people who lift her up rather than put her down.
Bianca Sciessere is the co-founder, alongside their sister Kritz, of The Big Sister Experience. Their workshops are designed to inspire the next generation through self-confidence and self-love to become the capable, resilient and empowered individuals of tomorrow. They have recently launched their Strength in Sisterhood program in response to Australia’s growing need for early intervention in gendered violence and unhealthy relationship dynamics.
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Originally published as Being possessive doesn’t mean he cares: Schools need to teach young women to recognise relationship ‘green flags’
