Only joking! Killer comebacks Australian teachers use to take their students down a notch

After we listed some of the crack-up comebacks teachers used on their smartarse students, readers shared even more killer one-liners from Aussie classrooms. Enjoy!

Showing you have a sense of humour can help teachers build a rapport with their students.

This story on killer comebacks from teachers struck a chord, with many readers offering snappy one-liners from their own school days.

I remember one from my time at Walford (a girls’ school in Adelaide) in the late 1980s. A girl once asked our Classical Studies teacher Mr Fairweather if he was married. “Is that a proposal?” he replied. It cracked us up.

Here’s some more we’ve received in the comments for your amusement ...

■ I remember saying to an older teenager once who was singing and carrying on during class that he ought not pursue a career in showbiz unless he wanted to become a clown.

■ On a hot day one of the kids in my class asked our teacher “Sir, can you turn on the fans?” Immediately the teacher struck a bodybuilding pose.

■ I remember a grade 5 student saying, “I’m going to tell my Mum on you.” I immediately replied, “Well, I’m going to tell my Mum on you, and my Mum is bigger than your Mum.” Everyone laughed. End of situation.

■ One of my favourites (from National Service days in the 1950s) – “Just because you’ve got a head like a spark plug, doesn’t mean you’re a bloody Champion” (a brand of spark plug to the younger generation)

■ A year 11 student told me he’d die if he had to complete a set task. I told him that, if he did, he’d have to clean up after himself. It took a few seconds, but the whole class laughed.

■ Teacher: You have the brains of an idiot. Student: When do you want them back, sir?

■ Back in my high school days the teacher was asking the class what jobs we would like in the future. One boy, I’ll call him Steve, wasn’t at all the brightest crayon in the box. He said that he wanted to be a taxidermist. Without missing a beat, the teacher came back with … “The only thing you’ll ever be, Steve, is a taxi driver with dermatitis.”

■ A teacher I had would respond if you tried a smart remark “ You think you’re a wit do you? Well you’re only half right.”

■ It can work both ways. I asked a student in the back row if my board writing was legible: ‘Don’t know sir, I can’t read it’.

■ Couple decades back my mother was teaching a group of students who were constantly in trouble with the law. One young man asked her why she had such muscular legs (mum was a swimmer her whole life). My mum quipped back, “you got all these young girls in this school and you looking at an old lady’s legs?”

■ Not quite a joke but when a student swears at me, my comeback was “And you eat with that mouth?” Did make the rest of the class laugh.

■ I remember one of our teachers saying to a student “ Don’t you look at me in that tone of voice”! We all thought it hilarious, but we also knew exactly what she meant.

■ In the early days with computers. Year 11 boy in CAD class, 10 minutes before lunch. “May I go to the toilet, sir?” Sir Alan, “Of course you may”. Yr 11 boy “should I log-off now, sir?” Sir Alan “no, wait till you get there.” 10 seconds of silence then one by one, they all get it. Boy forgets to go to the toilet.

A bit of gentle mockery can give everyone a laugh – but teachers need to be careful not to go too far.

The killer comebacks of Aussie teachers

Move over, dad jokes. Australian teachers are serving up zingers so sharp they could cut through a year 9 attitude problem.

Here’s what happens when educators get their wit on.

We’ve all heard the classic teacher one-liners: “Stop licking the walls”, “No one’s leaving unless they’re bleeding or vomiting”, and “If you’re going to cheat, at least be good at it.”

But some teachers have elevated classroom banter to an art form, creating those perfect moments where education meets entertainment:

In online forums where teachers let their hair down, there’s a treasure trove of teacher jokes loved by educators and their students.

One teacher said: “I actually said this as I have a really good rapport with the class. I teach Indonesian and we were looking at Imlek (Chinese New Year). A kid said ‘look sir, I’m a dragon’ I replied ‘yeah, dragging the IQ of this class down’.

“Everyone laughed, even the kid. One of my proudest teaching moments.”

Another teacher said: “Very similar moment: had been looking at Soviet communism as context for teaching Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty Four. One of my students said ‘Hey Miss, I think I’m Russian’. Without even thinking about it, I replied ‘Well, you’re not exactly Russian to get any work done’. The perfect response.”

Of course, nothing tests a teacher’s quick-thinking skills quite like a cocky teenager with something to prove, as this teacher illustrated: “A year 9 boy commented on my beard (6 dark chin hairs). I replied, ‘at least I can grow a beard’. This was 10 years ago, when you could be sarcastic without getting a warning in your file.”

Sometimes the best classroom management tool isn’t a behaviour chart – it’s a well-timed reality check delivered with surgical precision.

“When year 9 boys start showing me their muscles or want me to judge whose are bigger, I just call them mosquito bites, or tell them I can’t see anything,” another teacher said.

Ah yes, the classic teenage boy flex-off. The teacher found the perfect antidote to adolescent peacocking – and probably saved countless PE lessons from descending into impromptu bodybuilding competitions.

Sometimes teachers deliver education and career counselling in the same brutal package, as this example shows.

“Student was playing a gambling game on her laptop in year 11. Went up and said: ‘Training for your future job, are you?’ She laughed, I laughed, no harm.”

Another teacher offered this one: “Taking year 12 general class to a local uni. The boys commented how nice it was. I told them: ‘Soak it all up now, lads – this is the closest you’ll ever get to uni.’ We all had a good laugh.”

Brutal? Perhaps. Effective reality check? Absolutely.

Often teachers find laughter can help manage a difficult situation.

“Eight-year-old does a runner, then returns asking: “I told you I’m going home, aren’t you going to stop me?”

Teacher: “Nah, I’d have to restrain you, and I don’t feel like doing the paperwork.”

Student: “So you’ll just let me go?”

Teacher: “Well no, as soon as you leave the building, I’ll call the police to go get you.”

Student sits back down: “Brah, I’m too young for jail.”

Of course, there are some classics that wouldn’t fly today, such as teachers reminiscing about the good old days when you could tell students to “drink a cup of concrete and toughen up”.

As one teacher noted: “I thought it was the best line ever back then. If it was said now though, you can bet a kid would actually try it.”

And let’s not forget the timeless threat that still works: “Stop swinging on your chair – if you fall, I’m not driving you to hospital.” It’s a classic that’s kept generations of students’ four chair legs firmly on the ground.

Got any teacher jokes to share? Email [e-mail]

Originally published as Only joking! Killer comebacks Australian teachers use to take their students down a notch