‘Wasted’: Misfiring Latrell not delivering bang for buck

Latrell Mitchell is yet to prove Phil Gould wrong and one ugly moment against Cronulla shows he has a million-dollar problem.

Latrell Mitchell has a lot of problems on his hands. Photo by Paul Kane/Getty Images.

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Latrell Mitchell needs to enact beast mode immediately or risk a shot at the greatest glory in the game: Disproving Phil Gould.

But not only this, he needs to get busy if Souths are serious about making waves in the finals — and that’s if they make the finals.

The Rabbitohs’ precarious season is in need of their million-dollar man’s big game exploits, just like those he produced for NSW and the Roosters and all the others Gould has forgotten about.

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But with the fullback yet to fire since returning from injury, pressure is building to deliver on his price tag by helping Souths avoid another wasted year in the Russell Crowe rainmaking era.

The powerhouse club sat atop the NRL ladder after Round 11, but a bewildering form slump has rendered it a decaying colossus with more issues than Vogue.

This struck crisis point following the weekend’s insipid defeat to the Sharks, a game where Mitchell’s most notable highlight was being stepped by Sione Katoa so savagely he almost prolapsed.

Of additional concern, the superstar’s return has failed to ignite Cody Walker nor improve the troublesome life of Lachlan Ilias.

Walker delivered an idle one run for five metres against the Sharks while the rookie halfback continued to wear the brunt of Adam Reynolds Regret, a recurring ailment at Souths as persistent as teeth jokes and Alex Johnston Cynicism.

Latrell Mitchell trying to catch that elusive early-season form. Photo by Jenny Evans/Getty Images.

In fairness to Latrell, nobody expected miracles after his return from injury.

That’s why we granted him a reasonable amount of time to return to his best — which based on his price tag equated to halftime of his comeback game, to be exact.

Sure, the Origin rep looked frisky in his return against the Tigers, but claiming that as progress is like your cousin Gary declaring he’s ‘going places’ because he’s no longer wearing pull-ups — and that’s why fans are calling for more.

Nobody denies it’s reductive to implore a bloke on a tender calf to conjure witchcraft on-demand simply by trying 120% harder, but these are the complex expectations we hold our superstars to when absorbing a thick wedge of cap space.

Mitchell’s value has always been a case of quality over quantity, a capricious nuclear device with delicate hands and a heat map that’s more avocado than watermelon.

He’ll win a game through velvet rather than effort - which Souths fans adore — they just need him to do this 50-100 times more, all while providing leadership and an 88 per cent goal-kicking option.

Latrell Mitchell has seen better days. Photo by Paul Kane/Getty Images.

They know Mitchell’s at his most effective when he’s looking for peace to disturb, so all they’re asking is he start popping up with the frequency of an awkward hover ad in a lewd video — and let the hands take it from there.

Singling out the fullback isn’t a case of blaming the entirety of Souths’ ails on one man, it’s merely a chilling insight in to the state of Australia’s hellacious economy.

This nation is squeezing every expenditure during this cost of living crisis.

Toothpaste tubes are being curled, Commonwealth Games are being cancelled, and even refs are slashing staff by sending off every man in their eyeline.

Put simply, short of outsourcing everything from Tom Burgess’s hit-ups to Blake Solly’s administrative duties, Souths need $1m worth of toothpaste from Latrell, and they needed it yesterday.

After all, a fully Latrellerated South Sydney are one of the NRL’s only chances of toppling Penrith alongside Brisbane or dysentery.

— Dane Eldridge is a warped cynic yearning for the glory days of rugby league, a time when the sponges were magic and the Mondays were mad. He’s never strapped on a boot in his life, and as such, should be taken with a grain of salt.

Originally published as ‘Wasted’: Misfiring Latrell not delivering bang for buck