‘Hanging by a thread’: England crisis much worse than realised

A crisis sweeping across the UK is so much worse than first thought with one nightmare turning into a doomsday “oblivion”.

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After being slowly boiled in Mumbai and barbecued at the buzzer in Paris, England is once again swirling the plug hole in to sporting oblivion.

And with a recent report revealing the UK’s stunning rates of inactivity, it’s looking rosy for Australia with the Poms set to permanently return to Olympic-sized mediocrity.

In an event already coined as Sensational Sunday, England hit rock bottom with twin failures to South Africa in the space of 12 hours across two world cups in two sports they invented, thus triggering a wave of national introspection and temper tweets.

While losing no friends in their brave loss to the heavily-backed Springboks, it was the utter implosion in the cricket that has English confidence hanging by a thread.

England's Ben Stokes dismissed. Photo by Punit PARANJPE / AFP.

A swashbuckling side that has supposedly changed the course of cricket and mankind with ‘Bazball’, the reigning champions have been trumped by Afghanistan and frogstomped by the Proteas to leave their Cup defence in tatters with a net run rate that is attracting overdraw fees.

Once again the nation’s barometer for the fallout has been Piers Morgan, with the one-time tabloid editor producing enough salt to sustain the nation’s Bovril intake.

England’s cricketers have given us many wonderfully thrilling performances in all formats over the past few years, but this World Cup defence has been an inexplicably embarrassing shambles. So disappointing.

— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) October 21, 2023

Best known for his performative outrage over the Johnny Bairstow stumping — a dismissal as legal as winning a World Cup with extras off the back of your bat or an Ashes test by replacing an old ball with a new — Morgan’s insufferable angst is now actually for legitimate reason.

With a recent government report revealing Britain to be experiencing “stubbornly high levels of inactivity”, the weekend’s events are the first signs of England’s long-awaited downturn as a sporting force.

Released by the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, figures show 25 per cent of British adults and 50 per cent of children are not meeting the recommended daily amount of physical activity, which is acceptable for dominating darts but not pushing risky singles.

And with the nation opting for the ‘Netflix’ without the ‘chill’, the country’s stocks of dangerous hitters and scrum halves are set to thin as people prioritise hibernation over procreation.

This could see England return to their halcyon days when they were so useless at sport, the best they could do was war.

And besides the war part, that’s a bloody good sign for Australia.

England lost a thriller. Photo by David Rogers/Getty Images.

After years as a laughing stock, England has sadly emerged as a dominant player in recent years, with the nation’s rule extending beyond its usual vocation of cricket, rugby and hooliganism.

Their national programs have excelled at international tournaments, regularly finishing high on Olympic medal tables and dominating the Commonwealth like they own the place.

It’s an awful resurgence that traces back to the 2012 London Olympics, a time when British administrators assembled a golden generation of athletes through the virtues of hard work and bleeding taxpayers with an elaborate lottery scheme.

This powerful era has also been underpinned by the rude health of their omni-powerful domestic football scene.

England’s men’s and women’s football teams are global powers, while English clubs are a common fixture in the later stages of European competitions thanks to the British traditions of good old fashioned gumption and Saudi money.

But it’s all set to end.

With the next generation of Poms opting to collect Cheezels over championships, Australia can once again safely bank for 25+ years of Ashes retention.

– Dane Eldridge is a warped cynic yearning for the glory days of rugby league, a time when the sponges were magic and the Mondays were mad. He’s never strapped on a boot in his life, and as such, should be taken with a grain of salt.

Originally published as ‘Hanging by a thread’: England crisis much worse than realised