What does Port Adelaide FC have that Russia could possibly want? | Michael Mkoka-Nicholson

Of all the baffling news events that have occurred this year, this might be one of the strangest, writes Michael Mkoka-Nicholson.

First the Russians came for state government agencies, then they came for the public sector … but now they’ve gone too far.

They’re meddling in state secrets of the highest order and I won’t stand for it.

They’ve allegedly hit one of the most iconic, secretive and sacrosanct targets yet and I’m not referring to Wang Wang and Fu Ni’s mating schedule.

It’s our state’s second biggest local footy club – you know, Port Power.

“Port Adelaide is investigating claims online that a Russian ransomware group has hacked its internal IT system, but the Power have stressed that members’ information has not been affected,” reports The Advertiser’s Chief Russian Sports and Cybercrime expert Simeon Thomas-Wilson.

Firstly, how dare they.

But secondly, as a long suffering Crows supporter who takes nothing but glee from Port’s demise, I have to ask the question … why?

What could Putin possibly want from the mob in Alberton?

Are the Russians attempting to finally identify the difference between Jason Horne-Francis and Miles Bergman?

I can’t tell the difference either. Picture: Paul Kane/Getty Images

But does it even really matter? Picture: James Elsby/AFL Photos

Maybe they’re massive INXS fans and want to know how to harness the power of an ’80s power ballad to transfix the masses.

Surely they’re not looking into a game plan that has resulted in (and just know I am filled with unbridled joy recounting this) a 2017 first week finals exit, 2018/2019 missed finals, 2020 prelim loss, 2021 another prelim loss, 2022 no finals appearance and finally, the most delicious cherry on top, a straight sets exit in 2023.

On the other hand, I must say, if they are looking into how to beat a mostly superficial but all-encompassing and formidable foe, then Kochie’s men have got them covered. I am of course referring to how the club has sporadically defeated Eddie McGuire’s obsession with never letting Port wear the Prison Bars™.

Fortunately for members, their data hasn’t been compromised as it’s being stored in the most secure place known to Port – ‘Area 119’, the facility used to house the Footy Park tarps.

Now, if the Russians really want to put their hacking to good use, perhaps they can work out why the Crows keep losing players and have a premiership window that never feels like opening.

Michael Mkoka-Nicholson is The Advertiser’s Audience Development Editor and a long suffering Crows supporter.

Originally published as What does Port Adelaide FC have that Russia could possibly want? | Michael Mkoka-Nicholson