Liam Stocker was in a hotel bathroom feeling numb.

The St Kilda defender’s mental health had spiralled so much over a two-week period in the Queensland hub he could barely remember the darkness which had consumed him, or how many tablets he had taken that night.

Back in his second AFL season at Carlton, Stocker had an issue with prescription medications.

It was his escape. His coping mechanism.

And Stocker feared it was headed down a path of self-destruction, saying he worried he would end up “ruining a lot of people’s lives” and felt “more nervous when I was alone than what I was (playing) in front of 70,000 fans for a lot of years”.

For the articulate and intelligent defender, who is in the midst of his best AFL season and an engineering degree, Stocker had reached breaking point on a night in mid-2020.

Reflecting on that period to the Herald Sun this week, Stocker told his story to highlight the importance of reaching out for help and checking in on your mates, helping continue Danny Frawley’s important legacy ahead of ‘Spud’s Game’ on Friday night against Carlton at the MCG.

“Spud’s message is really clear, you just have to share this stuff,” Stocker said.

“We are well past the point of people stigmatising mental health.

“And at the time, I didn’t know any positive coping mechanisms. I had so many problems with my mental health and (prescription medications) I found so challenging.

“Unfortunately, because there is some sort of stigma around it, and whether that is embarrassment about using drugs, or embarrassment about having to get help to establish positive coping strategies, there is a disconnect between taking care of yourself properly, and things like mindfulness and sleep.

“But most of mine (coping strategies) in the first place when things got desperate were desperate measures.

“And for me it was prescription medication, because it alleviated the pain I was feeling and it was the obvious choice.

“For me, it was a way to quieten the noise, and all the rest of it.”

That particular night in the hub, Stocker was in a bad way when he pulled out his phone and contacted the Blues’ medical and player development officer, Lillian O’Sullivan, as his head spun once again.

Stocker suffered from anxiety, and had always been the centre of an intense football spotlight after Carlton traded up as part of the league’s first live AFL pick swap to nab the Morrish medallist (best Victorian under 18s player) at pick 19 in 2018.

He played 28 games across four seasons at Carlton but said he never felt like he “belonged” at Ikon Park, and took full responsibility for his mistakes which triggered his exit from the club when he was cut in 2022.

“I honestly think it is my own fault,” he said.

“I probably wasn’t as socially active with the boys, I had some moments I would like back with the coaches and, to be honest, and I don’t feel like I got a heap of honesty (back) sometimes, particularly in my last year.

“But to a degree, I threw the towel in a bit where it was just getting too hard and I just kept finding ways to keep ruining my career.”

Back then, Stocker was done with the game and had planned to accept a mental health job at Old Haileybury.

But that was until St Kilda senior coach Ross Lyon and senior assistant Corey Enright stepped in to help reignite his AFL career, taking a chance on the tough nut defender in the supplemental selection period the following season.

“Ross has resurrected my career,” Stocker said.

“And I am sure he will say that I was the one who resurrected my career, but to be honest, I wouldn’t have done it without speaking to him at length about where my career was at and where it could go.”

Now, Stocker is not only loving the game again and his role as one of the most physical backmen in the league, but also the clarity he receives from his coaches and the direction the young Saints are heading.

But his mental health message is perhaps even more important than what he does with the Sherrin on a weekly basis, saying “honesty is such a powerful thing”.

So, Stocker is unafraid to talk about the low point in the hub which triggered so much meaningful change in his life, hoping others who may be on the brink can do similar.

ROCK BOTTOM

After five senior matches in his first AFL season, things began to unravel in worrying fashion for Stocker in July 2020 as COVID-19 gripped the nation.

“I was just sitting in the bathroom in Queensland and I would have had – well I don’t know how many anti-anxiety tablets by that stage – but I couldn’t think straight,” Stocker said.

“I sent a text message to our welfare officer and I was in tatters.

“It was my second last day in the hub and I had been spiralling since I had got up there, in fact I was past spiralling.

“I could barely remember I was there for two weeks, but I got to Lil’s (Blues welfare officer) room and I said to her ‘I don’t know what is happening here’.

“I was just lucky (assistant coach) Brent Stanton came in because I was close with Brent and I just said ‘I am going home’, but to be honest Brent said ‘And then what?’

“He challenged me, and it was the first time anyone had really challenged my behaviour.

“I said ‘I will be back in three weeks once I get my head right’ and he said ‘I don’t think that’s going to make a difference.’

“I was like ‘Oh fu--, now what?’

“That was really the trigger point to really fix things myself. That is when things started to change.”

Stocker, now 25, left the hub and took time away from the game hoping his return to Melbourne would help regain control of his life, but initially, the Sandringham product was so withdrawn his ex-partner said he was like ‘a ghost’.

It wasn’t until Stocker sought professional help with the discretion and assistance of the AFL that he began to do the counselling work which began his recovery.

Stocker said his six months out of the game in 2020 while he received mental health support and drug education under the league’s wing might have saved him.

“I encourage no one to do them (drugs),” Stocker said.

“But the way the AFL dealt with me, in particular, was they put me in touch with a psychiatrist, and a psychologist and they triaged it perfectly.

“And for me that was the biggest thing – understanding what those drugs were doing for me and how they wouldn’t be a long-term solution – and how frayed my edges would be if I kept dealing with my problems like that.

“And that is when it clicked for me.

“Nobody really thinks the positive coping strategies do enough, but it is the consistency of routine that ends up fixing your problem for you.

“The second I got those positive coping strategies in my life, everything improved one hundred fold.

“Psych work is not for the faint-hearted. I was a bit scared of it. But it was necessary.”

TOUGH STUFF

With the strong support of his family, Stocker won a spot on St Kilda’s list early in 2023 and has built a reputation as one of the most physically uncompromising and courageous defenders in the game.

In the loss to Brisbane, he delivered one of the bumps of the season on Lions’ Kai Lohmann a fortnight ago, injuring Lohmann’s shoulder.

The 78-gamer said before every match he visualises putting his body on the line and the prospect of being injured in the process.

“I have a deeply innate fear of coming off the ground feeling like I have shirked a contest or something like that,” he said.

“Those moments play an important role on game day because they can change the energy of how we are defending.

“If I’m to become a leader, my one-wood has to be at the forefront and that is my physicality, and while it is not everyone’s bread and butter, it is mine.

“So if it is going back with the flight, I am not worried about my safety because the reality is you are probably not going to get hurt like that anyway, so it is a very low percentage chance.

“But I am willing to take it.”

When he arrived at St Kilda at the end of 2022 as a train-on player, Stocker asked Lyon for some blunt feedback and got it.

“We had a really difficult conversation just before Christmas and he said to me ‘You are not as fit as I want you to be and you are heavier than I want you to be’,” Stocker said.

“A bit of my physicality papered over the cracks of not being fit enough, and it is not to say I wasn’t in good enough nick.

“But there was a happy enough medium between the two where I could still play with that physicality and could also run all day.

“And he dug that out of me.

“So I dropped a few kilograms, ran the time he wanted me to run and the rest is history.

“That is the easiest way to get confidence in each other.

“He tells you to do something and he follows up on his end of the bargain as long as you do, too.

“That is trust building 101, and that flows into my football now.”

DIRECT FEEDBACK

Stocker said Lyon communicates evenly and consistently with all of his players, regardless of their position or experience.

He said not one player had a problem with his spray at quarter time of the loss to Brisbane Lions or decision to sub Hugo Garcia, who bounced back winning the Rising Star nomination in a commanding win over Fremantle last week.

“He (Lyon) is incredible in terms of his relationship-building, but he is not your best mate either and I have had trouble with that with my coaches in the past,” he said.

“I probably hadn’t got the feedback I needed and that is no one’s fault, really.

“But I have either been too chummy or not chummy enough, whereas Ross is clinical. He is cold with it.

“That also creates an element of equality across the list. ‘Steeley’ (captain Jack Steele) would get the same feedback as (first-year midfielder) ‘Hughy’ Boxshall.

“The problem with hierarchies particularly in playing lists sometimes is they can put a cap on how good the young players can be.

“The beauty of ours is Steeley, and Ross to a degree. ‘Wilkes’ (Callum Wilkie) and ‘Sincs’ (Jack Sinclair), are all encouraging the younger players to be better than them and showing them how.

“There is no competitiveness between the two (tiers), they don’t want to keep the younger guys below the line.”

For all of his challenges earlier in his career, Stocker has never felt more comfortable and content on and off the field, as he prepares to face his former Carlton teammates on Friday night at the MCG.

Despite battling a debilitating groin injury last year, Stocker is now having the most consistent season of a career which looks – with much more certainty than ever before – to have a bright future.

“I have been empowered here to become more of a leader and my role has been really respected, which for whatever reason I didn’t feel that way at Carlton,” he said.

“More than anything it is just my belonging in the (St Kilda) playing group (that is a big difference).

“So, I feel like I am part of the tapestry here, whereas I felt like I was in a revolving door at Carlton.

“I had dreamt my whole life of playing this game, and you sort of feel like a sore loser when you are not taking advantage of it.

“But now, I am having a blast.”