Donald Trump’s MAGA goes after masturbation with insane new US sex laws

Truly jaw-dropping new laws could soon be passed in America as part of a MAGA crackdown targeting people’s sex lives.

OPINION

Charles Dickens once wrote about a tale of two cities – but this is the tale of two laws.

Ever since Donald Trump returned to power and plunged both hands into America’s cookie jar, the world’s attention has rightly been glued to the hellscape that Washington has become.

But to really see how banana-rama, coco-moloko the United States is right now, let me tell you about two bits of legislation that look set to be passed in the country’s nether regions.

Orgasms are out.

Child labour? Back in.

First, in Texas, there is a push to make buying vibrators and sex toys much harder (oh yeah, that pun was intended) that could make it illegal for major retailers like Walmart to sell things of the good times, double-A-battery-requiring variety.

Secondly, in Florida, they have taken a break from wrestling methed-up gators and are busy introducing legislation which would make it perfectly legal for kids to be put to work.

Yeah, like the 19th century “send ‘em down the mines” school of children’s rights.

The shining city on a hill has become a lights-flickering, abandoned strip mall.

If Mr Trump’s Washington has been busy butchering the US government, condemning a generation of children to an education on par with that of the developing nation of Chad, forcing more than 75,000 (so far) federal workers out of their jobs and dumping Europe faster than Brad did to Jen, then the states have been busy doing their darnedest to Make America Garbage Again.

Make America Great Again? Picture: Brandon Bell/Getty Images via AFP

Let’s start things off in Texas, where the state’s legislators have gotten their knickers in twists over knickers in twists.

There are two separate bills making their way through the statehouse courtesy of Republicans, who are doing their best to make it that much trickier for Texans to enjoy a one-handed good time.

One piece of legislation is aimed at online retailers and wants them to introduce age verification, despite the fact that only those over 18 can get a credit card and therefore are even able to shop online now.

Participants cheer as US Senator Bernie Sanders speaks during a rally. Picture: Jason Connolly/AFP

The second proposed law would make it illegal for major retailers like Walmart, Target and the nationwide CVS pharmacy chain to sell sex toys.

To give you a sense of how many, cough, devices, that would affect, consider that in 2019 after the Clio brand started selling their sexual massagers at Walmart, they shifted one million units in only eight months.

As it is, any keen CVS shoppers angling to get their good times on have to ask a spotty teenage staffer to unlock the cabinets that hold the products they sell now and which also contain things like condoms in some locations too.

Meanwhile, there is no federal law requiring firearms in gun shops to be kept locked up.

CVS like “ok, we will now stock anal toys. however, we will lock the entire case and make you ask for it” pic.twitter.com/haevySfC4H

— maiden china 🥢⏳ S. Qiōuyì Lù (@sqiouyilu) March 5, 2023

Just what will Texan Republicans think of next? Mandatory bonnets on a Sunday and any sexual position besides missionary to come with a $69 fine for a first offence and the possibility of jail time thereafter?

Even neo-con George Bush (remember him and his war and his fantastical WMDs?) never tried after those suspiciously phallic neck massagers of early noughties fame.

Texas is the only state that already has a statute limiting the number of sex toys a consenting adult may own. Picture: iStock

As it is already, Texas is the only state that already has a statute limiting the number of sex toys a consenting adult may own – no more than six. One would assume on the seventh day, everyone’s hands, like even God, need a rest.

When it comes to guns, though, you just go right ahead and own as many as you want, darlin’.

Not to be outdone in the deeply retrograde stakes, Florida is busy getting in on the disturbing-new-law-making, having come upon the absolute smartest and bestest way to solve the state’s looming labour shortage.

The downside of Mr Trump’s Pokemon-style gotta deport ‘em all strategy has been that undocumented immigrants tend to be the people doing the low-income jobs that America actually relies on.

About 60 per cent of the country’s farm workers are undocumented and face possible detention and expulsion from the country as ICE raids sweep the country.

A farmer looks at Haitian and Cuban migrants en route to the United States. Picture: Orlando Sierra/AFP

So what to do?

Luckily, Ron DeSantis, the state’s governor and spectacular flamer-outerer of a presidential candidate, is making up for having abjectly failed to get within even a short flight of the White House by going about rewinding labour laws to the early Victorian age.

Next up, the crinoline will be making a comeback.

A bill is currently before the state’s senate that would remove all working restrictions and protections on schoolchildren as young as 14, and would permit them to do unlimited working hours without breaks, including overnight shifts on school days.

Fun fact: As it is, child labour violations have already tripled in Florida in the last three years.

There is nothing to suggest that either the Texas or Florida laws are crazy longshots, mind you.

This is Donald Trump’s America – where rewinding the clock to some unspecified Leave It To Beaver-before times when men were men and women knew when to keep their traps shut is now priority number one.

When specifically does the “again” in MAGA refer to?

No one knows, and Mr Trump has never bothered to waste a precious second of his yelling-at-Canada or nacho-cheese break time to think about it.

What makes America so scary right now is not just what the former reality TV star and the only person who somehow didn’t make money owning a casino is doing in Washington, but the climate he has created for Republicans to push their ultraconservative agenda through statehouses.

So if you’re considering a trip to Austin anytime soon, remember. No more than six.

And maybe take a bonnet with you for good measure.

Daniela Elser is a writer, editor and a commentator with more than 15 years’ experience working with a number of Australia’s leading media titles

Originally published as Donald Trump’s MAGA goes after masturbation with insane new US sex laws