What to use in 'loo' of toilet paper?

THE panic buyers had left me out of toilet paper and panicking. It was then I had to take matters into my own hands... so to speak.

Patter toon

TWO months into the pandemic and people are still panic buying and hoarding stuff?

Just how many rolls of toilet paper do these people need?

At least we can rest assured the people with garages full of toilet paper stacks wash their hands after using the loo - because there's no hand sanitiser on the shelves either.

Fair dinkum!

I'm one of those citizens who has fallen through the cracks despite all the government subsidies and handouts for those caught out by this virus thingy.

I'm not old enough to get a seniors card (yet) so I can't line up with the seniors at the supermarket barriers early in the morning and I'm still working, albeit from home, so I don't get to go to the shops early enough to compete with the loo paper "locusts".

And, try nipping into the shops after work these days to pick up a few things on your way home.

The shelves are as bare as the Dragons trophy cabinet.

Just as well the fear of running out of loo paper and hand sanitiser hasn't yet driven me to drink, because that was the next target of the panic buyers - booze.

Without a solitary drop of liquor in my house some weeks ago, a couple of friends offered to take me on their next drive to Dan Murphys which I gratefully, if not gullibly, accepted.

I'd never seen anything like it outside of Easter Thursday or Christmas Eve for panic booze buying.

There were security guards at the doors checking to see no-one was flaunting the then booze limit of four cartons of beer per person.

How much booze are these people drinking.

Mind you, with all that booze in the house, it's just as well they have plenty of loo paper, particularly the Guinness drinkers.

This panic buying left me in a panic last weekend when I opened the pantry door to see one solitary roll of loo paper.
"Oh crap!" I cried, the irony not lost on me completely.

Fortunately, a mate of mine had a couple of rolls to spare and, in the spirit of "we're all in this together" offered them at what I thought was a fairly reasonable price given the uncertain times in which we live.

Now, I'm not saying my mate was a loo paper hoarder but I had my suspicions when he asked me to pay by card and he had an eftpos machine clipped to his belt.

However, whenever I mention my loo paper supply - or the lack thereof - just about everyone has the same response: "You work for a newspaper, don't you? You must have an endless supply of newspaper."

Yes, but unlike in days gone by, cut-up newspaper hanging from the dunny wall doesn't do it in these days of inside loos.

You can't flush newspaper down the toilet (despite what some readers might think of the content) nor can one just throw it out the window and leave it to the elements, not only do you risk a fine for littering, but the neighbours tend to frown on the practice … trust me!

And, before any of you get really crass with suggestions, I don't have a garden, not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind.

But, I blame technology really.

If we didn't have planes, trains and fast-moving ships, the virus wouldn't have been able to spread so easily across the globe.

And, if we still had outdoor loos, there wouldn't be such a run on toilet paper.