Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

A woman has reached out for help after unintentionally finding incriminating text messages on her boyfriend’s phone. Here’s what happened.

Finding something on your partner’s phone could bring about uncomfortable feelings.

A worried girlfriend has sought advice after unintentionally finding text messages on her boyfriend’s phone that suggest he may have been cheating on her. Now she’s seen the messages she can’t shake the feeling that he isn’t entirely monogamous. Expert Melissa Ferrari weighs in.

Scroll down to send in your questions.

IS HE CHEATING?

Communication is an important part of every relationship.

Dear Melissa

I accidentally snooped through my partner’s phone, and I came across something really concerning. There was a conversation with someone named “Alex”, and while it started off friendly, it quickly became flirtatious. I found a message that said, “Can’t wait to see you tonight. I’ve been thinking about our last time together.”

I’m feeling really confused and hurt right now. I didn’t expect to find something like this, and I’m unsure of how to approach my partner about it. How should I handle this situation without making things worse, and should I confront them right away?

Melissa’s response

It is understandable that you are feeling hurt and confused, what you have come across is a potential threat to your relationship, which can be very difficult to navigate.

Given you felt a need to ‘snoop’, there is also likely more going on here than stumbling across a message, and what is likely behind the ‘snooping’ was some concern or curiosity over your partner’s behaviour outside of the relationship.

Having now had these feelings of suspicion or concern confirmed and that you are now unsure how to approach your partner, highlights that there are issues around trust which would be impacting how you communicate with each other.

My sense is that this has led you to be unsure as to how your partner may react to you raising the issue, which suggests that you do not trust your partner in a way that you need to build a successful relationship.

For a relationship to truly flourish, you need open communication, where you can discuss any topic without concern or fear it may cause damage or harm.

Being comfortable to discuss your feelings, whether they be of concern or suspicion should hold no fear for you – openness and honesty is critical for a relationship to be successful.

To not raise the issue and to let this suspicion grow will only generate negative emotions that will eventually come out, either in conflict or in you ending the relationship – so ignoring what you discovered is not an option.

The question is how you approach the conversation and what may be helpful for you is to encourage your partner to attend a relationship therapy session with you, so you can bring it up there, where you feel safe and supported.

What you will also be able to do is discuss agreements with your relationship, around monogamy, communicating feelings, how you conduct yourselves with the opposite sex and yes, rules around how or when we access each other’s technology.

Such support will help avoid the deflection you will likely get, given the trust issues faced, which could see a conversation of ‘Who is Alex?’ quickly turn to ‘Why did you access my phone?’ and into conflict.

If you want your relationship to continue to evolve then you must find a way to address your suspicion and concerns around trust, whether that is direct or through the help of a relationship therapist.

MONSTER IN LAW?

A rude mother-in-law can create challenges in any marriage.

Dear Melissa

I’m feeling really conflicted about my future mother-in-law. In the weeks leading up to my wedding, she’s been quite mean and dismissive toward me. She constantly criticises my wedding choices, like my dress and guest list, and makes passive-aggressive comments about how things will change once we’re married.

It’s getting harder to ignore, but I’m not sure if I should confront her now and risk causing tension, or just let it slide for the sake of the wedding. How should I handle this situation without making things worse, especially with the wedding so close?

Melissa’s response

With this question I get that ‘if I had a penny’ feeling for every time a meddling mother-in-law is mentioned on my work.

What you are dealing with is what I call the ‘management of thirds’, that is someone outside your ‘couple bubble’ who is not only spoiling your special day, but one that overtime could negatively impact your relationship.

Which is why, even though your instinct may be to ‘let it slide’, it is healthier to address the concerns, not by you directly but as a couple.

As a strong and connected couple you will need to manage these issues together, that means first approaching your partner to let him know how you are feeling and then coming up with a plan together to best ‘manage Mum’.

While the plan is one you come up with together, what is best is that you let your husband be the ‘gatekeeper’ on this one who talks to Mum about her overstepping, and to help her to give you both space to create the day you and your partner want for your wedding.

Such a conversation may take some cajoling, as boys can be a little reluctant to have such conversations with Mums, but it will ultimately be healthy for your relationship, as it provides an opportunity for your partner to show he supports you and will have your back no matter what.

If he resists a little too much, that may highlight a more urgent issue that needs addressing before the ring goes on the finger.

I am sure that won’t be the case, and that he will understand that meddling from anyone outside the relationship can be a real problem, so best to deal with it early and to let Mum know where the boundaries are.

Melissa Ferrari provides advice to couples that may need a little extra support in their relationship. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now