How to put the passion back in a lustless lovelife

LOVE doctor Gabrielle Morrissey talks about what to do when your love life is in a rut.

Q: I have been married to a wonderful man whom I love deeply for three years - but our sex life has hit a rut. I have heard of the "Madonna-whore" complex in men, and am wondering if there is a similar issue for women?

In my previous single life, sex was always a way for me to get the attention and adoration of a man - I saw myself as an object of his desire and that made me feel wanted and validated.

I think I have always had low self-esteem and sex was just another way to try and feel better about myself. Of course, it never worked because I always chased the wrong kind of man.

My husband is the opposite, loving and accepting and we are truly best friends.

But after the initial honeymoon period I found it harder and harder to engage in sex because it wasn't needed anymore - he loved me and accepted me no matter what.

I never saw it as a connection between two people who love each other and the actual thought of that makes me feel queasy. I find it really hard to open up.

More than anything I want to view sex like a normal person.

I feel like all my past experiences have left such a strong imprint that I am incapable of shifting. And when I sense the sexual interest of another it is appealing, for the validation effect it has, even though I'm not interested at all.

A: First of all, stop trying to compare yourself to "normal" people. It's unhelpful and thinking that you are not "normal" is actually incorrect.

There are many, many women - and men too - who feel as you do.

Sex is often used as a Band-aid for self-esteem issues and despite it being a very intimate act, many people use it, especially casually, as the very way to avoid intimacy.

True intimacy involves an emotional closeness, not just physical bonding.

Feeling vulnerable and accepted and loved at the same time creates safety, trust and a connection that feels overwhelmingly good.

But to get to that place you have to let yourself be emotionally available while sexual and not just when you feel safe, in non-sexual settings.

Gaining the desire of men is how many women feel powerful and in control.

But once the sexual activity turns into more of an equal and shared experience, then that dynamic shifts and women (or men) who feel scared of losing control, of feeling powerless, or who have issues with being worthy and having a strong sense of self-esteem can run from sexual intimacy.

This can look like an inability to commit, low sexual desire, sexual avoidance, sexual function problems, the inability to remain faithful, and various other self and relationship-sabotaging behaviours.

So you see, you're not "abnormal" in any way.

However you are doing yourself a disservice, and you're not being fair to your partner.

Let go of expectations that your sex life is every going to be like it was in the beginning. Our bodies are fuelled with lustful biochemicals at the start of a relationship.

When those disappear, within the first two years of any relationship, sex lives inevitably change. But they don't have to lose heat.

They just take more attention and dedication.

If you feel you need to talk to someone about your intimacy issues, a good counsellor can help.

Try spending lots of time together, and sensual activities (such as massage) without the pressure to engage in sex.

Explain to your husband how you feel and what you'd like to work on together, so that you can both enjoy a passionate love life on all levels, and not just physically.

Originally published as How to put the passion back in a lustless lovelife