The unspoken list every woman knows – but she shouldn’t have to

It’s 10pm and I’ve just booked an Uber home – but before getting in the car, I do something instinctively that I shouldn’t have to.

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It’s 10pm and I’ve just booked an Uber home from my friend’s place after a sauna.

Before getting in the car, I instinctively put my robe over the dress I’m wearing.

Covering up feels automatic now. I shouldn’t have to, but I do it for peace of mind.

There’s also a personal safety alarm clipped to my keys, and I always call my husband once I’m in the car to let him know I’m on my way.

Because too many times, I’ve felt uneasy getting ride shares, walking at night, or sitting on public transport after dark.

Men make comments. Drivers stare a little too long in the rear-view mirror. Passing cars slow down.

So I cover up. It feels easier that way.

No, women shouldn’t have to do this. And yes, men should stop harassing us.

But until that happens, I’ll keep doing what I can to protect myself.

The outfit I wore to my friend’s place. Picture: news.com.au.

The ‘outfit’ I wore in the Uber. Picture: news.com.au

This isn’t just paranoia.

Nearly 80 per cent of Australian women have experienced sexual harassment in public spaces.

And according to the 2021-22 Personal Safety Survey (PSS), women were more likely to be harassed by a male than a female.

Data from the Australian Sexual Offence Statistical collection, shows that one in five women – about 2.2 million – have experienced sexual violence since the age of 15, and 600,000 of those assaults were by a male stranger.

Year after year, research is the same. Women are far more likely than men to feel unsafe in public after dark, on transport, or in ride shares.

So it’s no wonder so many of us quietly adapt our behaviour to try and stay safe.

In feminist theory, this is known as a “rape schedule” – the idea that women are conditioned to make alterations to their daily lifestyles and behaviours as a result of the constant fear of sexual assault.

Psychologist Carly Dober told news.com.au these changes might include altering “routes, routines, clothing or physical appearance to reduce potential harassment”.

Women are used to changing their outfits, routines and routes to feel safe. Picture: iStock

After my recent Uber trip, I asked the women in my community what they do – consciously or not – to protect themselves.

Within minutes, dozens replied. Their answers were all too familiar.

Here’s what they said:

1. “I avoid walking past big groups of men – I’ll cross the road if I see them ahead.”
2. “I’ll always wear a jacket on my way to the gym, even if it’s hot outside.”
3. “If I’m walking at night, I’ll put my hair up in a bun to make it look like I could be a man.”
4. “I try to go to the gym at off-peak times so guys don’t stare at me as much.”
5. “If I’m drinking, I’ll only have a few so I can stay aware of my surroundings.”
6. “I’ll call someone when I’m walking by myself and talk loudly about how I’m close to meeting them.”
7. “I’ll always have Find My Friends turned on so my friends and family can see where I am at all times.”
8. “I have a signal with my friends that we’ll use if a man is making us uncomfortable.”
9. “If guys are checking me out, I will immediately cross my hands over my chest like a hug that covers me up and look away as a very direct sign I don’t want their attention.”
10. “I will play a ‘game’ to check if I’m being followed or pursued. I’ll speed up my walking pace significantly and start weaving through a crowd. If their pace increases too, I’ll start calling friends and send my location out.”
11. “I’ll put my keys between my fingers when walking alone.”
12. “I always lock my car door as soon as I get in, no matter what time of day.”
13. “I’ll make my husband get the food delivery outside our house if it’s dark.”
14. “I’ll always send my boyfriend the taxi or ride-sharing driver’s licence plate.”
15. “I remember what suspicious-looking men are wearing so I could recount it if I needed to.”
16. “I’ll periodically glance behind me when walking.”
17. “I’ll act crazy if I feel like I’m being followed.”
18. “I’ll always check the other stalls in a public bathroom to make sure no one else is in there.”
19. “I put headphones on so I can pretend I can’t hear someone when they try to talk to me, but I’m still aware of my surroundings.”
20. “I’ve done self-defence classes so I feel equipped.”
21. “I carry spray deodorant in case I need to use it to defend myself.”
22. “I colour-code my keys so that I know the right key to get in the house as quickly as possible.”
23. “I never save my house on my car’s GPS in case my car gets stolen, I always enter an address further down the street.”

These make up just a fraction of the responses I received. But they make one thing clear.

Women factor in the threat of harassment and violence into their daily lives, and this constant vigilance costs energy, time and in many cases, money. More than that, it costs a sense of freedom.

The burden of safety shouldn’t fall on women.

But until men are held accountable, urban planners prioritise women’s safety, and systems enforce meaningful protections, these lists will keep growing.

And the sad reality is that no ritual, app, or clever precaution can guarantee safety.

The responsibility needs to shift – off women’s shoulders and onto the people, policies, and culture that allow this to continue.

In the meantime, we’ll keep sharing our lists. Not because we want to, but because we have to.

Follow me on Instagram @el_katelaris

Originally published as The unspoken list every woman knows – but she shouldn’t have to