Why don’t we talk about women not asking for help?’: Real reason why Erin Molan made huge personal change

In an exclusive column for Stellar, Erin Molan reveals the real reason she made a huge personal change – and why ‘healing is one of the hardest things I’ve undertaken’.

‘I’d been in a constant state of fear.’ Erin Molan has revealed the deeply personal reason she turned to therapy. Picture: Getty Images

About a month ago, I was asked to speak about what International Women’s Day meant to me.

When I thought about the message I wanted to share, for the first time it wasn’t about perseverance, never giving up, or working harder than everyone else – attributes that have served me well and which, in context, matter greatly.

Context. That’s the key for me now. I had reaped the professional benefits of the “I am woman hear me roar” mentality. I lived and breathed it for decades, and with it came career success and many other sweeteners. But was I happy? No. Am I now? Absolutely not. (Well, not all the time, but much more frequently than I used to be!)

Is being happy even the goal anymore? No. I used to lament my lack of happiness, and wish desperately for it, thinking it was intrinsically tied to my professional pursuits, relationships and aesthetic.

But even ticking off those boxes didn’t work. Now I know better. Permanent happiness is a myth. Peace, though, that’s attainable – and what I crave most.

I didn’t grow up hearing other women talk about experiencing peace. They spoke about conquering the world, but if you are miserable having done that, what’s the point? I’m convinced you can both conquer the world and have peace, but most of us need some help getting there.

Ultimately, the strongest message I wanted to convey to other women was “get help”.

We talk often about men not going to the doctor, so why don’t we talk about women not asking for help? We are notoriously horrific at it. Through the breakdown of my family unit,

I didn’t ask for, or accept, help.

Professional challenges – and there have been a few – same thing: I fought and survived, but didn’t seek help. The first time I truly sought help was when my dad was dying last year. I’m a warrior, but I didn’t know how to survive that. I reached out to Sandy Rea (the Today show’s resident on-air psychologist), and asked her for help.

Our first session was at the hospital, but she very quickly ascertained there was a lot of other work to do.

That was almost a year and a half ago and I can tell you, hand on heart, that while “healing” is one of the hardest things I’ve ever undertaken, it is easily the most satisfying and rewarding. I now feel peace between moments of elation and hardship. I hadn’t felt that in nearly 40 years.

If things were going well on the surface, I’d be in a constant state of fear, just waiting for it all to fall apart. I didn’t enjoy the accomplishments or accolades; I was driven by fear and a self-loathing that I can only really fathom the extent of now.

Ask for help. Please. Even if it’s minor, or just a little feeling of unease. The way your life can change is extraordinary. These days I don’t wait until I’m desperate – how silly. I ask. I was struggling with my five-year-old having meltdowns and I was meeting her in those moments, so I had a quick 40-minute phone chat with a child psychologist that changed everything and radically improved the dynamic at home. Being a single parent is hard.

Why are we trying to be heroes? It doesn’t help us or our children. Ask!

I understand how tough times are with the current cost-of-living crisis, and how blessed I am to be able to pay for help. But it’s out there for free, too.

There are so many services that are led by volunteers, government-funded or even subsidised. Use them, even just to try – they might be the answer you didn’t know you were looking for.

Erin Molan is a presenter on Sky News Australia and a co-host on 2DayFM’s Hughesy, Ed & Erin show. Read Erin’s full column in Stellar today – and listen to the latest episode of Something To Talk About below:

Originally published as Why don’t we talk about women not asking for help?’: Real reason why Erin Molan made huge personal change