'The only difference between you and me as dads is that your kids are alive'

"To us, we have four kids. To some people, we have one child that is deceased, and to others we don’t have any children. I want our story to be told this Bereaved Father’s Day." This story contains sensitive topics.

Eleanor Katelaris

3 min read

August 25, 2023 - 1:22PM

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“I was talking to my cousin who is a father of two young kids a few weeks after our baby Liam died…" Chris recounts to Kidspot.

“I told him, ‘The only difference between you and me as fathers is that your kids are alive and mine arent’.

“I still think about Liam 24/7, I worry and stress like any other parent would. But for me, I’m just not parenting a living child.”

His words encapsulate a reality that ‘Bereaved Father’s Day’ on August 27th wants to highlight - that men who have experienced the loss of a child are fathers too, even if they don’t have anyone to give them a card on the day.

The initiative, growing larger each year, aims to redefine parenthood and acknowledge the grief of fathers who often mourn quietly.

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Image: Supplied

Two miscarriages, a neonatal death, a termination due to an ectopic pregnancy and a failed round of IVF

Over five long years, Chris and his wife Bethany went through a revolving door of getting their hopes up and watching them come crashing down again, and again... and again.

“We've been married for eight years and have pretty much spent the last five or so years trying to conceive,” he says.

“We had two miscarriages; Liam was a neonatal death and a termination due to an ectopic pregnancy.

“We’ve also had one failed round of IVF and one successful round as well.”

Image: Supplied

"I found it difficult to find help"

These heart wrenching losses meant Chris was thrown into a relentless cycle of grief, without knowing where to look for help.

“I didn’t really have a lot of support from my mates, and I found it really difficult at first to find professional help in terms of psychology. It took about six tries until I found one that would see me,” he says.

On the other hand, his wife got a referral to a psychologist and got in straight away - something Chris believes represents the system's lack of equal support for bereaved mothers and fathers.

A touching initiative connected bereaved fathers

Society often expects men to be strong and silent, so finding help proved difficult for Chris.

“I set up a touch footy team for bereaved fathers because I was frustrated with what help was available to me.

“I just knew I needed to be around other bereaved fathers, we all just ‘got it’.

“The first time we met, we went to this pub, and we told our stories and experiences, and everything just made sense. We all went through pretty similar grief and were treated in a similar way.”

Red Nose helped provide support and grief counselling

Amid this difficult time, where Chris was struggling to manage his grief himself, Red Nose emerged as a beacon of support.

“We went through their Hospital to Home program, so when Liam died, we saw a social worker and she put us in touch with Red Nose and we went from there.

“Tiffany was our grief counsellor and she and her husband lost twins so she could relate to what we had been through so that made a massive difference.

“That first one-three months was really difficult because you’re in survival mode and you’re just trying to get through the day. It’s an hour-by-hour kind of process.

“Tiffany really helped us navigate those feelings and emotions.”