The note my daughter scrawled that breaks my heart about Father’s Day

"I feel a unique kind of sadness. Not for me but for my little girl who never wanted this." Please note this article contains sensitive topics. 

The signs were always there. 

Everyone says that when talking about domestic violence, don't they?

Little things that your heartsick brain excused as love. 

What's worse, is that my young daughter tried to tell me; tried to make me see.

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Instead, I focused on saving a sinking ship.

"He just loves me so much that’s why he gets jealous."

“He just loves me so much he can't stand to see me talking to another man - that's why he smashes walls."

The gaslighting starts ... and soon, you start believing it. It doesn’t take long, either.

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It's like Oscar Wilde said: “A burnt child loves the fire.”

It becomes' normal'.

"I did this” you think, “I drove him to it".

Then, just like that frog in that boiling pot of water, the situation turns deadly before you even know it.

What kills me the most about those times is how they made my daughter feel. I was trying to work things out, and I thought that I was doing the right thing.

I remember the nights when my little girl would hand me notes as we argued in front of her.

“Please stop,” she’d beg me silently in a scrawl. “I hate when you fight.” 

Image: Supplied

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"Father's Day will be so different this year"

I remember this one note in particular. The urgency of her scrawl should have made me pay attention immediately. 

I could have saved us from that situation a lot sooner. I could have given her the peace we have now, much earlier. I feel so guilty about that.

But even though the impetus to end us – our relationship - came far later than it should have, it came, and I am forever grateful for finding that inner strength to leave.

For her.

But now, as our first separated Father’s Day fast approaches, I feel a unique kind of sadness. Not for me but for my daughter.

I'm sorry I didn't listen sooner. I'm sorry I should have realised what you saw: that there was no point in fighting. We just had to leave.

I am sorry I never gave you the stable, loving father you deserved.

I asked a close friend going through the same journey, and here’s what she had to say: “Being a single mother on Father’s Day is just another teachable moment for your children – they will understand what it takes to be a good father, and hopefully will use that knowledge when they grow up and start a family.”

I love that. It's never too late to give your kids their future back.

That's what I will try to remember as we don't celebrate the day with my daughter's dad.

Originally published as The note my daughter scrawled that breaks my heart about Father’s Day