Sorry, but I don't want my kids to be in your wedding.

"There might be kids out there who would relish the chance to wear lovely, neat clothes in front of a bunch of strangers, but I did not give birth to them."

The text came only hours after I received a save-the-date for a close friend’s wedding. 

“We’re so excited to have you at our wedding,” it read. “And we’d absolutely love the boys to be involved too!”

For context, I’m a mum of two boys - three and one. Like any toddlers, they’re rambunctious and  adorable. I personally think they’re the two most incredible creatures to ever grace this planet Earth, but I’m willing to admit there could be some bias there. 

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I grew reluctant

I’m really proud of the relationship my kids have with their “honorary” aunts and uncles - the people who aren’t actually related to us, but who form our tight-knit village. The couple getting married were friends we’ve known for years, and watching my boys get to know them has been a true joy. 

And so, at first glance, the offer seemed like a gorgeous one. Imagine loving my (admittedly adorable) children so much that you want them with you on one of the most important days of your life!

It’s a beautiful homage to the relationship that my friends already have with my kids, and the relationship they want to build in future. Add in the inevitable professional photographs of my boys in their little wedding suits?

My first instinct, when the request came up, was to accept without hesitation: yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

But as the day grew closer, I grew more and more reluctant. 

Image: Supplied

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I’m not a wedding grinch

You know that old saying “never work with children or animals”?

Well, my eldest spends 80% of his time pretending to be a tiger, and the other 20% of his time pretending to be an octopus, so I was looking at a whole day of doing both.

All jokes aside, forcing two reluctant toddlers to do anything is a minefield, and performing in front of a crowd of strangers is no exception. And that’s what I would be asking of them, ultimately: to perform.

That’s not a criticism at all of the brides and grooms who want kids in their weddings - I think the instinct is a lovely one. But for me, as the mum who would have to do all of the behind-the-scenes organising (and, realistically, be the person to hold their hands up the aisle when the well-practised solo walk inevitably falls apart)? It doesn’t hold much appeal at all. 

To be clear, I’m not a wedding grinch.

I love a wedding as much as the next person. Actually, that’s a lie - I love a wedding way more than the next person.

I love being totally absorbed in the couple’s love story. I love listening to their vows, and weeping as the bride walks down the aisle, and drinking a few too many glasses of bubbly and embarrassing myself on the dancefloor. I love the community atmosphere at weddings and the chance to meet the friends and family of people I love.

I love wedding cake. I even love getting a little gauze bag of sugared almonds to take home with me at the end of the night.

There’s honestly not much about weddings that I don’t love. 

Image: Supplied

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I'm not a stage mum by nature

I think that’s why the prospect of having my kids participate in one fills me with so much dread - because I know how a wedding should be enjoyed, and I also know that spending the day pushing a reluctant toddler in a bow tie down the aisle is absolutely not it. 

When I took a step back, I realised that having my kids be involved in our friends’ wedding would mean a full days’ work for me.

I’m not a stage mum by nature, but I know that “toddlers” and “accurately following directions in front of large crowds” are not a match made in heaven, and I imagine I’d spend a fair chunk of the day on my hands and knees negotiating with an unwilling ringbearer. 

Actually, add in the time we’d spend “practising” wearing their strange wedding outfits and role-playing exactly what they would need to do on the day and I was probably looking at weeks.

What would be a couple of fleeting moments and a cute photo op for the bride and groom would ultimately mean a lot of time, and stress, for me. 

As the icing on the (wedding) cake, I honestly don’t think my boys would enjoy it.

There might be kids out there who would relish the chance to wear lovely, neat clothes in front of a bunch of strangers, but I did not give birth to them.

They’d be far happier chasing each other around in the background or - dare I even say it - at home with a grandparent missing the event altogether. 

In the end, I had a hard conversation with our friends. I was honoured they’d asked the boys to be involved, I said, but I wasn’t sure it was the right thing for us or the boys. They couldn’t have been nicer about it.

And now, I have a whole wedding to look forward to where I can focus on what actually matters most: their marriage. And also a glorious, child-free glass of prosecco.

But mostly their marriage.

Originally published as Sorry, but I don't want my kids to be in your wedding.