Please don't tell me you're sorry for my divorce - because I'm not

"Not in the same way you are. It makes telling people feel SO hard," Carli writes for Kidspot.

If I have to hear people say “I’m sorry” the next time I reveal to anyone I’m on the path to divorce, I may turn into a banshee. 

In reality, I’ll probably still give the usual small tight smile and say "all good, I’m fine," so I can make them feel better about the situation and I don’t get those sad sympathy eyes. 

I’m personally not ashamed that I’m on this path, and the backstory makes for some awesome Home & Away plotlines.

But it’s not really mine to tell in its entirety. 

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I don't need to justify it, either

My neighbour got our reasons out of me because she considers the only acceptable reason for divorce is domestic violence. She was very confused when I said that wasn’t the case at all and she didn’t need to be concerned about my welfare when she saw my ex’s car at my house collecting our dogs for a visit. 

There are so many other reasons for divorce. Infidelity (to be clear, not applicable  here), growing apart, the drag over everyday life, mental health, or as Americans like  to say - irreconcilable differences. 

For some people escaping shitty situations, this is the best possible thing that could  happen to them. Finally free of that monster who made life a living hell. 

People have their own version of hell though, and I think we could use a few less sorrys sprouted when people reveal they are headed down divorce aisle. 

It makes telling people feel SO hard. 

Image: Carli Allen

RELATED: The daily habit that changed our marriage

Should I have a divorce party?

I don’t really want to reveal to my extended family or acquaintances that it’s all over, red rover. 

Maybe I should have a reverse baby shower? Where we cut a cake and reveal black icing inside. Clearly, that’s the colour of my heart. 

Or should I have a massive party and not tell anyone why, only give them the dress code of black and watch their confused faces as they walk into a divorce party? 

Thing is though, parts of me feel like a huge failure. It’s been a hot discussion many times with my psychologist, who has been a saving grace in processing this huge life change. 

From we to I. From us to me. A huge chunk of my life is over. And I have the  continuous Facebook memories from holidays past to remind me every goddam  week. 

Australia’s divorce rate is currently 2.2 divorces per 1,000 residents in 2021. 

If it is so common, why does it still feel hard to reveal? I think it’s the judgey aunts to be honest. The rhetoric that they have stuck out hard times and it’s just what you do in a marriage. 

And I know people generally mean they are sorry to hear you are going through a hard time, but they usually only squeak out the first two words along with a consolatory arm rub. 

So how about if someone tells you that they are separated and on the path to divorce, maybe you could thank them for sharing and ask how they are feeling about that? Wild, right. But much better than hearing one more sad sorry. 

Carli Allen is a freelance writer who is recently separated and is navigating the path  to divorce. 

Originally published as Please don't tell me you're sorry for my divorce - because I'm not