‘My MIL told me I was selfish for looking after my own baby’

“I’ve explained what actually would be helpful and work for us - and it’s been ignored.”

Image: iStock.

The relationship between a mother and daughter-in-law can be a tricky one to navigate, and it can become even more complex if and when kids come along.

A mum who has just returned to work after maternity leave with her youngest, shared her confusing mother-in-law dilemma that has left her unsure what to do next.

“I’ve condensed my days down to four to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little,” the mum posted on popular parenting forum Mumsnet.

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"It's been hard to return to work"

“I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities. My partner works away most of the time so 99 per cent of the care for my little one falls to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.”

Whilst managing the juggle of childcare and paid work, the mum explains how her mother-in-law also works part time and presumably in a bid to help out, has offered to have her youngest one day a week. The issue being that the mother-in-law works part time and only has one day off each week- the same day as her daughter-in-law. 

“I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with my youngest. I did say that if she likes, she could have the baby once a month on that day?

“This went ignored and I’ve been told now by my partner that I’ve upset my mother in law and she thinks I am being ‘selfish with the baby’.”

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"I've upset her"

To provide some further context to this story, the mum shares how her in-laws live almost two hours away and that she tries to see them socially a couple of times each month - even if her partner is away.

“My partner says my mother-in-law just ‘really loves the baby and wants to help’, but I’ve explained what would be helpful and work for us and it’s been ignored -  and now I’ve upset her.”

As they are locked into a contract with the day care for the next 12 months, the mum says she can’t change her days without risking losing her baby’s place and that good daycare is hard to find in her area.

The mother-in-law also got personal by commenting on their relationship. 

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"I found this to be hurtful"

“She said that if my partner and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with my baby and need to ‘get used to it’. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.”

The mum concludes by saying that she doesn’t want to fall out with her mother-in-law but needs to know how to respond to this tricky situation. 

The comments were very empathic to the mum’s dilemma reassuring her that she was not in the wrong. 

“You are absolutely not wrong,” writes one user.

“Your MIL is being completely unreasonable! It's your baby and your day off is a special time for you and baby. She is not entitled to look after the baby every week. I think you've been very kind to offer her to have the baby once a month.”

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"Your partner is not backing you"

Another reiterated that it is not up to the mum to work her busy schedule around what suits her mother in law.

“If she’s that desperate can’t she work hers around you, get a different day off and commit to a different day a week, saving you nursery costs. Though I’m not sure how the two hour drive each way, each week would be practical?!

“It’s also not great that your partner is backing her and not you, and can’t see how unreasonable a request this is for you.

“You are not being unreasonable, you have to do what’s best for you!”

Among the many hundreds of outraged comments, one woman had a practical idea to try to get some useful help from grandma.

“You could make an offer that works for you that if she declines puts you in the position of having tried…[Say] something like: ‘Fridays don’t work but you are welcome to come to ours at 9am Saturday and play with the baby while I take Jack and Tilly to gymnastics. You can play with the  baby until lunch we can eat and then when the baby goes down [for a nap] you can enjoy the rest of your Saturday.’

“This makes her do the travel as she should and gives you some quality time with all the kids.”

Originally published as ‘My MIL told me I was selfish for looking after my own baby’