My kid is 12 and won't go to school - but don't blame me

"I can't force him to do anything at this age. Threats and bribes aren't working," the worried mum exclusively tells Kidspot.

My son used to be so desperate to go to school, he would dress himself by 7am, and hide his illnesses (like a cold) from me.

That was the early years of primary school.

Now he's in Year 7, he does everything he can to avoid going to school - with him even missing one to two days each week.

I know it's called 'school refusal' and I also know the blame for it sits on my shoulders. Well, according to others, anyway.

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I don't know what to do about his school refusal

I don't know why my formerly enthusiastic kid just doesn't want to go to school anymore.

Actually, that's not true; I do.

His group of friends don't want him to hang with them anymore. His science teacher is "too bossy."

He stays up late to relax with online gaming, but then is exhausted in the morning and often misses the school bus.

Take away the box, turn off WiFi, take him to a counsellor, I hear you say. Do you really think I haven't tried all of that?

Let him fail a few tests and see how that feels - done.

Speak to the school - done. That didn't help at all - the Head just told me this is 'school refusal' where a child is anxious or nervous about facing the school day, or leaving home, for a variety of reasons.

It's been left on my shoulders as his mum to do everything I can to get him to school - but I don't feel supported in that, at all.

In fact, I just got a letter from the school - a very official letter - saying that my kid has fallen below the minimum days of school attendance expected and that it's been reported.

As if I'm not worried enough about the situation. This has been going on for almost six months and I'm really scared about all the school my son has missed.

I also agree with the school that avoiding what's troubling my kid at school isn't the answer, but if he won't let me help, if he won't let me into his head - what can I do?

Nothing, except hope this is a phase and it will be over soon.

Image: iStock

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My kid's school refusal isn't my fault

I have spoken to a couple of school mum friends and they say that the start of Year 7 saw their own kids fall into similar habits.

They've told me about the endless morning arguments, and the late-night pep talks.

I've read endless online articles about 'school refusal' and 'school avoidance' and it's a huge crisis - all around the world, not just here in Australia.

The thing is, I'm starting to suspect that if your kid doesn't fit the mold of school - doesn't enjoy the structure, or the doesn't respond to the standardised way of teaching - they just don't want to do it.

And in 2023, this generation is being open about that. They are protesting it.

Maybe that's fair enough. Covid showed working adults that there could be a better way of life that doesn't involve 40 in the office -so why wouldn't kids, who were learning from home during lockdown, see that, too?

That there could be a better way to learn? Something that suits them more?

I personally think that time will come - where school isn't just a babysitting arrangement, but a day tailored to giving a child different ways to learn.

That would be an achievement - but it's a long way off.

And too far away to help me, or my son.

For more information on school refusal visit: the Raising Children network.

This article was originally published in June 2023 and was updated in November 2023. 

Originally published as My kid is 12 and won't go to school - but don't blame me